Governor Gabriel Cinomis, a Prairie Dog, gives his opinion of CBRN matters from his unique perspective


Prairie Dog


Never would I say, with any true conviction, that government was somehow run better in the past than now. That somehow, in the past - defined rather nebulously, depending upon which candidate or politician you spoke to, what day it was at the time, how much they had for lunch, if cocktails were involved, whether their mistresses or pool boys were present, and a host of other factors – government worked better, and was somehow more fiscally responsible, or stuck truer to some founding set of principles. Frankly, depending upon what country you live in, a return to the past would likely involve reinstituting such things as summary executions, debtor’s prisons, and torture (oh, wait a minute…).


All that being said, poor Ms. Chuckworthy has had to endure me rant recently on the absolute, vole-ignorance of certain members of the Dogtown Security #Staff and especially their attitude toward the rest of the Dogtown government, even I, the Mayor! I am not sure where some of these dogs went for schooling, but there must be new courses in how to be obtuse and superior all at the same time.


During one meeting there was a wide-ranging discussion on response to contagious disease outbreaks. Most of these meetings consist of Minions of Bureaucratic Orthodoxy spewing forth the phrase ‘medical countermeasures’ to mean just about anything, and use it as the solution to everything. For example, “We’ll detect the incoming biological cloud with medical countermeasures then confirm our suspicions with the laboratory’s medical countermeasures and finally issue forth medical countermeasures from the Dogtown medical countermeasure stockpile.” The sad part is most of that sentence was actually uttered by a non-comatose dog who was not, at the time, partaking of any medical countermeasures.


The discussion delved into the effect of a contagious disease outbreak on military readiness. The first stumbling block was to define a contagious disease, and that anthrax is not one of them. Furthermore, that anthrax is not caused by a virus. After those two bits of wisdom were handed out, discussions began on the various levels and types of response needed for a contagious disease outbreak and the impacts to military readiness. The session was ostensibly chaired by a rather self-possessed Deputy Assistant, Senior Minion whom I shall refer to as Madame Hereford. During a discussion on the various agents of interest – both naturally occurring diseases and those more likely caused by deliberate release – Madame Hereford decided the time was right to bellow some thoughts of her own.


“This list of diseases is completely off the mark and ignores some really big threats!”


I would have placed her speaking in upper case to emphasize both the level of her voice and the claws on a chalkboard nature of its timbre, though an exclamation mark shall suffice. Madame Hereford continued, unabated by those in attendance asking what she meant by her first ejaculation.


“Where is wheat rust in this list? Where is, what was it again, that disease that so massively brought down the cattle industry? Oh yes, hoof and mouth! Where is hoof and mouth in this list?”


There were then some well-meaning and polite interjections that neither of those are diseases of interest as they don’t impact on military readiness.


“But look at how much TROUBLE hoof and mouth CAUSED! MAJOR DISRUPTIONS! ALL OF THOSE COWS BURNED IN PITS!”


At this point, bits of spittle were pelting those assembled and some froth was forming. Ms. Chuckworthy thought Madame Hereford might be suffering from spongiform encephalopathy. No amount of


reasoning could stifle this tirade on the importance of having a plan for military readiness in case of a hoof and mouth outbreak. Apparently Madame Hereford was under the mistaken belief Dogtown possessed some kind of crackerjack, Bovine Assault Squad [what about the Cattle Ordnance Wing? Ed.] or some such nonsense. The wheat rust at least tied into that delusion.


This frightening combination of blinkered stupidity and a high- ranking position is a danger to all the well-meaning dogs who attempt to manage logical CBRN programs. How these individuals with communication degrees find themselves more capable than your average Nameless Scientist or other Anointed Expert always baffles me. One could at least expect them to visit Wikipedia.


In other news, one of my colleagues from across the Ocean, Sir Archibald Lemming, MP, paid a visit to the Mayoral Den and we discussed some recent policy maneuvers by Sir Archibald’s government. Evidently, the Chemical Weapons Convention is causing some chaffing for some and there is a move to reclassify or expand incapacitating agents. Currently, the CWC allows for the use of ‘riot control agents’ for police use only – not in warfare. Some nations have very distinct delineations in law on what constitutes a ‘warfighter’ versus a ‘police officer’. For several years, Sir Archibald’s government has been moving to increase the scope of riot control agents, possibly to include such things as gaseous fentanyl derivatives. Such a gas of this type was used by Marxist bear ‘police’ forces to storm a theatre where terrorists had at least 100 individuals held hostage. The ‘incapacitating’ agent worked as planned, incapacitating some permanently.


Fentanyl, also known as fentanil, is potent pain medication, approximately 100 times more potent than morphine. This is a medication dispensed in the microgram range, with transdermal patches in various microgram, per hour dosages. Because of its potency and narrow range between analgesic to anesthetic to respiratory depressant (even worse than heroin), delivering such a medication is done very carefully, whether in patch, intravenous, or (I kid not) lolly form. There are derivatives, such as carfentanil, which is 10,000 times more potent than morphine with as little as 1 microgram having effect in humans. Carfentanil, also known as wildnil, is used to tranquilise elephants and, lest not good things go to waste for bad applications, the ‘hostage rescue’ described above and others have been used as agents of assassination.


The thought of police forces of any nation having canisters of fentanyl-derivative gas to be used on a nicely varied and medically unknown civilian population is not something this Mayor wishes to contemplate! Despite being widely prescribed, the pharmacodynamics of fentanyl, in certain populations, are not well understood. While the recent Occupy movement has at times been unruly and subject to police crackdown, I could certainly envision a Senior Member thinking putting those fellows to sleep and removing them would be a prettier solution for everyone. That would be true if not for all the resulting corpses. One can simply not deliver a substance so potent in aerosol form, somehow achieving just the right dosage, to a group of individuals without risking an overdose.


In 2013, there will be a CWC review conference. These new agents must be on the agenda for discussion and incorporation into the CWC. If not, I suspect a run on protective masks by future protestors [as long as they are Fair Trade! Ed].


‘Till next I poke my head up. Gabriel Cinomis


CBRNe South America 2012, 13-14 March, Rio De Janeiro, Brazil. More information on www.icbrnevents.com 72 CBRNe WORLD February 2012 www.cbrneworld.com


CBRNeWORLD


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