Wine doesn’t make you FAT.. it makes you LEAN ..... (against tables,


chairs,


floors, walls and ugly people)


M65 Junction 13


follow signs to Barrowford, Roughlee 1 mile


Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their holiday in Majorca. wish we'd brought


"I the piano


with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife. "I've left the tickets on it."


‘My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy who did it?” She said, “No, but I got the licence plate.”


If You Can’t Say Anything Nice. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.


I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.


Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.


Investment advice from The Local Herald


Some Gas Bill ! Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.' (The Daily Telegraph)


A few years ago, if you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines , you would have £49.00 today. If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have £33.00 today. If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers , you would have £0.00 today. But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, then returned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received £214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of Alcohol a year. That means that, on average, we get about 41 miles to the gallon! Makes you proud to be British!!


21.


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