Mayor of Hyndburn. Councillor Malcolm Pritchard. January’s been a quiet month for us in comparison to the run up to Christmas. We are concentrating on organising some really big charity events. Saturday 26th February – The Mayor’s Black Tie Ball. Tickets are £29.00 per person or £250 for a table of ten. This includes a four course meal, wine and entertainment. Saturday 26th March – The Mayor’s Command Variety Performance. Oswaldtwistle Civic Theatre. This event will mark the grand reopening of the newly refurbished Civic Theatre. A variety of Acts will be on stage for this great family event. For any more information on our upcoming events, to buy tickets or to make a donation or even to invite the Mayor and Mayoress to an event you are holding please contact the Mayor’s secretary on the details below: Rachel Leatherbarrow, The Mayor’s Office, Hyndburn Borough Council, Scaitcliffe House, Ormerod Street, Accrington, BB5 2PJ 01254 380285 rachel.leatherbarrow@hyndburnbc.gov.uk Best Wishes, Malcolm.


Better Known As ??????? The answers are in these pages. Eugenio Saraceni Lewis Ernest Watts Mills Joyce Irene Phipps Rose Louise Hovick Eunice Kathleen Waymon Vincent Eugene Craddock Peter Ellstrom Deuel Frederick Arthur Baker


Mother Nature, foresight or just lucky ? A million years ago Mother Nature couldn't possibly have known we would be wearing spectacles, yet look at where she placed our ears! Spooky!


Security Levels. The British Authorities are reacting to recent terrorist threats by raising the security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Rather Annoyed" or even "A Bit Cross". The British Authorities have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada. The Scots have raised their threat level from "P*ssed Off" to "Let's get the B*stards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years. The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides". The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". The Belgians are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels. The Spanish are excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy. The Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case". Canada doesn't have any alert levels. New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, “Let’s scare them with a Haka.” Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries Sheila," to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!" - "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level, although losing the recent Ashes series against England, on their home soil, came pretty close. And in front of The Barmy Army.


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