Martin Cooper’s Horror Scope Aquarius – Mars is being made into a new milkshake flavour at KFC this week which makes you practically delirious with excitement. However, you may want to lay off the fatty treats this month because your friends are starting to notice you've been piling on the pounds. All is not lost though as come Friday you'll be much better off financially after stealing from your neighbours. Single? My nephew's mate is sad too. You'd make a nice pair. Call my tarot line to hear someone planing wood. Pisces – Venus isn't just a classic Bananarama track, Pisces, it's a big gassy mess somewhere in space and due to the way it's spinning around and around this month, your whole life is going to change. I'd love to tell you it's going to be fine but that would make me a liar. Single? True love arrives with a drug dealer. Call my tarot line now to hear Liechtenstein's National Anthem. It's the same as ours by the way. Aries – Mercury and Pluto are getting closer together this month, and that leaves you covered completely in bats. This might sound like an inconvenience but there are many advantages including getting to sleep in through the day, the ability to hover and a lifetime supply of urinal cakes. Single? Find new love with a tube light. Call my tarot line now to hear Debbie McGee doing the splits. Taurus – Alright Taurus. The planets are aligned right through your ears this week, and it leads you to being laid on your back, down the pub, with a lemon in your mouth, and a pool ball in each pocket. Then you remember making a bet with someone a few weeks earlier saying that you would do anything (yes, ANYTHING) if they promised to do something very important for you. The problem is, you were blind drunk and you can't remember what they did for you. Check under 'm' in your phone for a clue. Single? Is it really any wonder? Call my tarot line now to hear the alphabet backwards. Gemini – The moon is right in the middle of your health chart this week, which plays havoc with your doctors appointment on Wednesday when he can't get his filing cabinet closed. After a lengthy procedure involving 2 nurses, a caravan and a box of tissue paper you're finally on your way to full health. Single? New love with a farmer will hit you out of the blue. Call my tarot line now to be knighted by the Queen. Cancer - Saturn and Jupiter play hide and seek this month and all the other planets have to try and find them. You're no help though, as all you seem to be bothered about is your lack of effort in the 'upstairs' department. (just to clarify, I'm talking bedroom, not bathroom. No effort required there!) On Tuesday you'll be arrested for perjury and everyone will find out your real name is Marianne. Single? Take your clothes off for money. Call my tarot line now to hear Mariah Carey weightlifting. Leo – Uranus seems massive this week, but that's just because the people at Jodrell Bank went on their staff party and were still a bit squiffy the following morning. On a completely non-Jodrell Bank related note, have you ever thought of joining the circus? I could recommend it as the tightrope could really help your balance. Single? Find new love with a sea-cow. Call my tarot line now to hear Stephen Fry talk dirty. Virgo – Neptune lives under the sea, but not in a pineapple like Spongebob Squarepants. This is only one of the many children's television revelations the planets unveil this month. Rowlf off the Muppets was not a real dog, Fingermouse was not a real mouse and The Chuckle Brothers are not real humans. Single? Find new love in a strawberry compote. Call my tarot line now to find out how the hell I ever got this job. Libra – All the planets take turns at leaving skidmarks all over your romance chart this month Libra, which as you've probably guessed isn't too great for your love life. Try shaving off your moustache and wearing more lipstick, as this will help you feel more feminine. Single? Well, you would be wouldn't you. Call my tarot line now to hear crickets playing cricket. Scorpio – There's a bit of a problem in the milky way this month and it causes great uncomfort for all Scorpios. The best thing to do is stay indoors for at least the rest of October. It seems unlikely anything too bad will happen but I wouldn't risk it. Perhaps you could take up dress making, or baking, or stair sledging. Anything that will occupy your time. Single? Make your own girlfriend out of cheese wire and toilet paper. Call my tarot line now to hear what unicorns really sounded like. Sagittarius - Well, as Mars and Jupiter go to visit Neptune and Pluto on one of those 'car-key swapping' holidays it has great effect on your health chart this month and what starts out as a bit of a sniffle ends up as the plague. The good news is a cure was found for it the last time around. All you need to do to is set fire to London. Single? A love affair with a ghost turns out to be more. Call my tarot line now to hear what joke I wanted to say after the last sentence but decided was a bit too rude for this humble publication. Capricorn – Well Capricorn, as Mars and Mercury deflate this week right in the middle of your luck chart it would seem your dreams of becoming an Ann Summers rep are to remain a fantasy. You simply don't have the kind of face people want to buy those kind of items from. They're meant to conjur up images of excitement and cheekiness, whereas you conjur up images of mossy castle walls and Jack Sugden. Never mind, you always have the packing job to fall back on. Single? Find new love with a teapot. Call my tarot line now to hear Joe Pasquale doing a cover of Dr Dre's 'Let Me Ride'.
THE BASE
QUEEN STREET GREAT
HARWOOD
A NEW CONCEPT IN DAYTIME SUPPORT AND RESPITE FOR ADULTS WITH LEARNING DISABILITIES.
After 25 years of providing residential and domiciliary care we have often come across the struggle for adults with learning disabilities to access meaningful daytime activities which are tailored to suit specific needs of each individual considering level of skills and ability. There is also a struggle for families to access daytime respite to suit all their needs; should it be for working patterns, appointments or other family commitments. Somewhere that is available for more (or less hours) than the standard 9am-4pm usually offered by public or other private providers. The Base will be offering individually planned timetables, and will be available from 7am-7pm, 7 days per week.
The building is newly developed and wheel chair friendly, is an airy and open plan space and has been fitted with a disabled toilet and fully equipped shower/changing room. We are within walking distance of Great Harwood town centre, local amenities, shops and public transport routes which we plan to take full advantage of. We want people to get enjoyment and social stimulation from the range of offsite and onsite activities and amenities available. We see traditional obstacles as a challenge to be met and will strive to provide everyone with something very new, forward thinking and rewarding.
People can also attend the different onsite activities or use the facilities at the base and be supported by their own Personal Assistant.
Please contact Alan Wilkinson on 01254 885 016 for more information or if you would like to organise an appointment or referral.
There’s a remote tribe in Africa that worships the number zero. Is nothing sacred ?
Bromley Insurance Services Ltd are able to provide professional advice for a wide range of Insurance solutions as listed below. Please refer to our website for new and updated offers or email us to be included on our mailing list.
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For more information please feel free to contact us: Email:
info@bromley-insurance.co.uk
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Bromley Insurance Services Ltd 357 Briercliffe Road Burnley
Lancashire BB10 1TX
Web:
www.bromley-insurance.co.uk Web:
www.breastcancertravelinsurance.co.uk Bromley Insurance Services Limited are authorised and regulated by the Financial Services Authority
-I think the Prime Minister wants to govern Britain. -Well stop him, Bernard………. Yes Minister.
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