A balanced diet is chocolate in both hands.
Quiz. All the answers can be found in these pages. 1. Who created “The Muppets.” ? 2. Who was known as “The Blockton Blockbuster.” ? 3. What was Lord Kelvin’s occupation ? 4. Which actor played “The Lone Ranger” ? 5. Of which political persuasion was Fred Kite ? 6. Who had an affair with Petronella Wyatt ? 7. Which comedian thinks The Post Office is great value ? 8. Who played Alex in the film Fatal Attraction ? 9. Who was Known as The King of the soul singers ? 10. Who refers to Law Firms as “ Intestinal Parasites” ?
10. Bruce Springsteen
On Shopping. I Love to shop after a bad relationship, I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. Sometimes when I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with my partner on purpose. Rita Rudner.
If Men liked shopping, they’d call it research. Cynthia Nelms.
If you can afford it, then there is no pleasure in buying it. Wallis Simpson.
People who say money can’t buy you happiness just don’t know where to shop. Tara Palmer-Tomkinson.
You know when you go to the supermarket, you step on that rubber matt and the doors open. For years I thought that was a coincidence. Richard Jeni.
There’s a new discount store opening in Preston this month, their prices are somewhere in between Primark and shoplifting. John Bishop.
24.
The Post Office is the last great bargain left on Earth. They will deliver a letter to anywhere in the UK for 41 p. People moan when the price of a stamp goes up by 1p, but the Post Office should say to them…… “Well deliver it yourself, and see how far you get with your 41p train ticket !” Jack Dee.
Martin Cooper’s Horror scope Aquarius – The Sun is getting smaller and colder this week and soon your toes will be so cold they'll turn a bluey-green colour and the nails will drop off. This may sound fun, but believe me it won't be. You won't realise how much you use those nails until they're gone. On Monday afternoon your front door will be set on fire by vandals but you'll be saved by a team of circus cats. Single? Find new love in a vegetable patch. With a vegetable. Call my tarot line now to discover the location of the hidden treasure of the Sierra Madre. Pisces – Mercury is in love with Venus this month and Jupiter is jealous as hell. All this happens in the middle of your finance chart so you'll see all your hard earned cash slip away as your sister's boyfriend discovers your pin number and spends all your money on mobile phone ringtones. Tuesday afternoon sees you making a scooter out of wire coathangers but unfortunately this perishes in the rain. Single? It's hardly surprising after all the drinking. Call my tarot line now to receive vouchers for a trip to Santa's Village. Aries – Hey sheep face! Saturn, it turns out, is made entirely of asphalt. Now that's a turn up for the books isn't it? While you're discussing this with your friends in the pub, burglars will break into your recording studio and wipe you out. To help overcome your grief at the loss of your mixing desks you take up surfing with hilarious consequences. Single? Marry a premiership footballer and have an affair. Call my tarot line now to reclaim the incriminating photos of you in Lidl's carpark. Taurus – Pluto and Uranus have synchronised their orbits this month and this helps you eventually decide which Backstreet Boy is your favourite. Monday morning starts out ok, but quickly descends into farce as you get stuck in a cul-de-sac behind an ice cream van for 38 hours. To compensate, karma arranges for you to win a log chopping contest in a county fayre and you receive a bronze statue of Barbara Streisand as your prize. Single? Try getting a life. Call my tarot line now to find out why no-one likes you. Gemini – Everyone loves you Gemini. As Mars moves into your popularity chart everyone wants to come to your house to play Ludo and drink Bloody Mary's with you. You'll be beating potential suitors off with your leather attache briefcase all week. Life is so great for you right now. Surely nothing could go wrong. Could it? Well? Of course it could. Single? Find true love with a horse. Call my tarot line now to find out how to stop yourself looking like a hideous witch every time you put makeup on. Cancer - The moon is getting closer to the earth this week and as a direct result a lot of your closest friends will develop hives. It's probably best to avoid them because if you don't you may find yourself itchier than a bear with bunions. As a direct result of your change in social circles, Friday sees you having lunch with Joe Cole and striking up a lasting friendship with his labrador. Single? Find new love with a man on a unicycle. Call my tarot line now to hear Lesley Joseph from Birds of a Feather singing the hits of Lady Gaga. Pa pa pa pokerface pa pa pokerface. Leo – Uranus is still avoiding being used as a double entendre this month as it gets more and more difficult to resist temptation. On Thursday evening you'll go to the cinema to watch the new film about Leo Di-Caprio answering telephones and making appointments for the managing director of a minor company. It's called 'Reception' and it's rubbish. To take revenge at the loss of 4 hours in the cinema you go to a Christening you weren't invited to and spike everyones cakes with mouse droppings. Single? New love wears armbands. Call my tarot line now to apply for a job selling earmuffs to homeless people. Virgo – Neptune moves into a council flat in Horwich this week and this means that you'll fall out with ever single Sagittarian you've ever met. Luckily for you, their not the most interesting people in the world, and frankly they smell a bit too. Not a pleasant smell either. Kind of musty, like old people. On Saturday at 2:35pm you'll meet a man called Anthony who will lend you the correct change for the bus as the driver has no change left and you only have a ten pound note. You'll repay him by putting out for him. Single? You won't be after Saturday. Call my tarot line now to find out which one of the Spice Girls is really a man. Libra – The unscheduled movements of Mercury this month leads you into a pie eating contest against Russel Grant, Benni McCarthy and that fat girl from Eastenders. Heather is it? You don't win, in fact you come last, but it's the taking part that counts and that should be your mantra from now on as you'll never win anything ever again. On Tuesday a visit to the zoo ends in tragedy when you accidentally back your car onto a seal. Single? Find new love with your barrister. Call my tarot line now to hear incessant screaming. Scorpio – Jupiter is covered in asbestos and you and your family have been invited to help remove it all. This sounds like hard work and not to mention dangerous, but as payment you will receive a top hat so it is all worthwhile. Try riding a penny farthing to accompany your new look. And a handlebar moustache. When you get back from space, you will find a brand of matchbooks that shares the same name as you and a challenging court case ensues. Single? New love wears a green dog collar. Call my tarot line now to hear Lily Allen being slapped repeatedly. Sagittarius - Well Sagittarius, as Venus slides in and out of view this month it becomes a confusing time for everyone. Easter follows shortly, then New Years Eve, then Boxing Day. Christmas is cancelled this year and the height of summer is in February. None of this concerns you greatly as you join a new club on Wednesday which helps you achieve your goal to represent Britain in the 2012 Olympics in the Shotput. Single? Find new love in Iceland. The country not the supermarket. Call my tarot line now to get free entry into the Eurovision Song Contest. Capricorn – Saturn is sat on a mat this week, in a very weak Dr Suess related pun which is enough to make your eyes water. You've never realised this before but you really enjoy playing badminton, so pull down your net curtains and get out the gaffa tape and make your own court in the living room. Make room for this by selling all your furniture on Ebay for much less than it's worth. Your wife will NOT thank you for it. Single? You are now!! Call my tarot line now to find out how to make QVC entertaining.
Always get married early in the morning, that way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day. Mickey Rooney.
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