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Yes we know we have a wedding feature in this issue but we couldn’t resist a few one liners ! Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Harold & Ethel
Ethel. “ I went to see the Doctor today about my constipation.” Harold. “ What did he say?” Ethel. “ He asked me what I was doing about it. I told him I sat on the toilet for half an hour in the morning and half an our each night.” Harold. “ What did he say.” Ethel. “He asked me if I was taking anything, I told him Yes, I always take The Local Herald.”
It Happened on St Valentines Day. On 14th February,1779. Captain James Cook, a bluff Yorkshire collier who rose through the ranks in the Royal Navy and added an entire hemisphere to Europe’s knowledge of the world, was killed in an u n n e c e s s a r y s k i r m i s h i n Hawaii on his third great voyage of discovery. On his first voyage he visited Tahiti, charted New Zealand and surveyed the eastern coast of Australia. On his second he reached Antarctica and discovered New Caledonia, and on his third he sailed to Alaska in search of the north - west passage between the Pacific and Atlantic. Unable to find the passage, he made for Hawaii to survey and refit. The local people, who knew Cook from an earlier visit, had mixed feelings. A local chief was abused by sailors and Cook’s ship’s cutter was stolen. Cook landed with 12 marines to take a hostage. The islanders, undeterred by firearms, which they had never experienced, attacked. Cook fell. The Greatest explorer of the time had died.
And talking about Sailors !
The Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name sailor?" "John" the new seaman replied. "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled. "It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever.. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief.' Do I make myself clear?" "Aye, Aye Chief!" "Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?" The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief." "Okay........ John, here's what I want you to do....."
Meow ! Clip them claws !
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3.
“ If Cher has another facelift she’ll be wearing a beard !” Jennifer Saunders.
“Tess Daly is a good example of the young crowd of presenters who are pretty useless.” Ulrika Jonsson.
“ The only thing Madonna will ever do like a virgin is give birth in a stable.” Bette Midler.
“It’s tough to figure out which will be the harder, drying out New Orleans or Diana Ross.” Joan Rivers.
“With Mick Jagger’s lips he could French Kiss a moose.” Joan Rivers, again.
“Madonna has just lost 30 pounds - she shaved her legs.” Joan again.
“I’ve met Britney Spears close - up and she’s a hairy little
thing. I kept looking for the zipper to help her get out of what I thought was a gorilla suit.” Guess who ??????
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