horoscopes by vera divine
VIrGO August 24 – september 23 greater claims in your achievement-driven life. Sir
Hey girl, how you been lately? I know you haven’t had much Elton John didn’t HAVE to come out of the closet on
success or support lately, but that’s no reason to run away! national television. Some may have seen the whole
If you don’t feel like your measuring up, maybe you’re using thing as theatrics but the rest of us know the guts it
an incompatible gauge to do the measuring! You wouldn’t took to get it done.
measure your daily vodka intake with a ruler, would you?
Well maybe you could…if you were a genius like me who TAURUS April 21 – May 21
had found a way to freeze vodka into popsicles! But chances Having trouble conforming to the world around
are mere mortals like your fellow Virgo, Billy Ray Cyrus, are you? Your social life has been suffering and you’re
simply miscalculating their value in the ominous shadow of not as good-natured as you once were, but this is the
their mega-celebrity-status daughters! Hmm…was that too time when you can see the truest parts of yourself. No
specific? Nah, this kind of thing happens all the time! distractions, just your “get it done” attitude. It feels like
you’ve been doing the same old dance forever, but
this chapter of your overbooked life is almost coming
LIBRA September 24 – October 23 Some risks seem like great fun at the start, only to
to a close. Soon, you’ll be marveling at the fact that
Do you feel that? It’s a hunger pang—hunger for leave you with anxiety afterward—like taking a
you endured so much and now have smooth sailing
fame, fortune and Fendi! Okay, maybe it’s just a slight “sexy stroll” without a “latex raincoat”—while others
ahead. Michelle Pfeiffer must have felt this way after
grumble for appreciation, a 50-cent raise and some surprise you with an unexpected reward, like being
nailing the role of a cocaine-addicted trophy wife in
new socks. It’s the kind of need that can fuel you. asked on a date by that cute cop who just wrote you a
Scarface.
But don’t wait too long to quench your need! Had speeding ticket! Risks are unavoidable. We can either
he moved sooner, Matt Damon could have landed stress about making the wrong ones, or make a well-
GEMINI May 22 – June 21
a little role known as “Captain Kirk” in some random planned attempt to tip the scales in our favor! Patrick
Take the back seat for a while, Gemini! Too much
space flick where he runs around in Lycra with his Dempsey took a chance starting his early career as
time in the sun makes Jack a wrinkly boy! Take time
boyfriend, Spock. the geek who got the girl. But now he’s free to play any
away from your usual place on top if things and let
role he wants! …like the geek who gets the GUY! yourself escape to that place where you have no
SCORPIO October 24 – November 22
responsibilities to anyone but yourself. Selfish?
They say the seasons are late to start these days AQUARIUS January 21 – February 19
Maybe…but necessary to preserve your sanity!
because the world is coming to an end. If that’s the Don’t you worry ‘bout a ting. ‘Coz ev’ry little ting’s
Brooke Shields took years away from the demand-
case, I say we grab the tequila and celebrate the gonna be alright. Seriously, waterboy. This phrase
ing spotlight of Hollywood and in return she got a
extra innings of summer ‘til the four horsemen of the isn’t just the anthem to stress relief, it’s a good credo
family! Who knows what’s in store for you?
apocalypse dismount for a turn on the stripper pole at by which to live. There will always be another window
the Brass Rail! But in all probability, the coming times period if you miss one. You’re sharp enough to detect
CANCER June 22 – July 23
are sure to disappoint! Don’t believe everything you new challenges and get the most out of them. But
Beware, you’re about to hear one of the scariest
hear—especially when it comes to “cautionary tales” most importantly, you know when to put down that
words known to our kind: milestones. I know, you’re
that attach shame to everything fun that we do. If pail of water you’re always bearing and enjoy a cup or
thinking “Coulda, woulda, shoula.” There’s no room
your fellow sinner Goldie Hawn gave in to such fear two on your own! Bob Marley advocated love and ac-
in your life for regret. But there’s plenty of room for
tactics, we probably wouldn’t have seen her star in ceptance, not just the occasional herbal refreshment.
perspective. You’ve got to realize that every day you
The First Wives Club!
endure the rat race, you’re inching toward your next
PISCES February 20 – March 20 milestone! Don’t compare your achievements to
SAGITTARIUS November 23 – December 22 Everyone may see you as the good little fish who al-
those of anyone else! You’ve got things going for you
Wow, you’re holding up pretty well! It must be your ways followed the rules, but this month will be a great
that most people will never even recognize they need
natural optimism—and a few unfair advantages like time for you to revel in your rebel, so to speak. There’s
to improve! You’re the master of emotional complex-
genetics and nip/tucks—that keep you so well pre- a wild streak in you. It took you a while to find it and
ity. Anjelica Huston needed some serious emotional
served! The truth is that you are the first to adopt new you’re still not sure to whom you can expose yourself,
focus to get into that Morticia Addams dress!
changes and fresh ideas. That’s what gives you that but your time to bare it all is coming! Whenever Jen-
attractive spark. You have the opportunity to be the nifer Love Hewitt isn’t trying to be Audrey Hepburn,
LEO JULY 24 – AUGUST 23
admirable leader this month, and you’ll be expected she exudes some fiery vibes.
Reflection may not be your favorite activity, but I
to present your usual model characteristics. So look
hope you realize the good it can do you. Losing your-
for new concepts and adopt away! Just take it easy on ARIES March 21 – April 20
self in something else won’t evade anything. Intro-
adopting any more kids from your favorite country of It’s true, not everyone “gets” you. But it’s really only
spection is the groundwork. It’s time to awaken your
the week, Brad Pitt! a matter of getting under your eccentric veneer. So
inner Connie Chung, face a problem head on and dig
who’s going to make the first move? I know it’s not for a solution. Just don’t dig too deep. You might hit a
CAPRICORN December 23 – January 20 in your character to volunteer any vulnerability on
very tender nerve, as our racy little diplomat is known
It’s hard to classify risk as universally good or bad. your part, but in this case it is a major step in staking
for doing.
80 RAGE monthly | september 2009
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