THE EVIdENCE*
The Prosecution presented four pieces of evidence
that John Cena is guilty of being a bad wrestler and
undeserving of his spot.
He does the same stupid moves every time
he makes his comeback.
Objection: This is something that almost every guy on top
is guilty of. Bret Hart, one of the most popular guys among
‘smart fans’ ever, was mocked for his ‘FIVE MOVES OF
DOOM’ even among those who liked him. Today you have
Shawn Michaels firing off the same moves, in sequence,
every time he comes back. John Cena is the norm, not the
exception.
The Five-Knuckle-Shuffle is the dumbest
move ever.
Objection:It’s pretty silly, yes, but since the WWE’s national
expansion took place in 1984, goofy signature spots are a
signature of the industry. Another hero of the internet is
Fules’ shirt which was so stupid it was actually
Ric Flair, who would often comically flop down during his
insulting to one’s intelligence. Honestly though,
matches, sometimes more then once. John Cena, a fairly
can one blame a t-shirt for smart marks turning on
straight forward wrestler with a basic moveset, needs
something like that to give him personality in the ring, the
him?
same way Hulk Hogan would ‘Hulk Up’, Flair would flop, or
No, the truth is smart fans hate Cena because
the Rock would throw the People’s Elbow. And today
smart fans hate those on top. It makes them
wrestlers still get over with these moves. MVP’s ‘Ballin’
Elbow’ for example, for without it he might just be the
‘smart’ to like the small, charismatically devoid
black guy in the Power Ranger get-up. The signature spot
midcarders who could never hope to draw as much defines a wrestler’s entire style and helps them stand out
as the tall, charming, well built stars who actually in an industry overfilled with workers craving attention.
look unstoppable. It’s what separates them from
His STF and Attitude Adjuster don’t even
marks and makes them better in their mind’s eye.
look painful.
They can spot talent better than marks can, and
better than the bookers can because the booking
Objection:First off, in case you didn’t hear, it’s all staged
is never right and the wrong people are always the
anyway. Second, his lower-impact moveset keeps him
champions. What smart marks are unwilling to
relatively healthy. He’s not killing himself doing his finisher,
but he’s able to walk the next day without throwing down
accept is that actual in-ring talent rarely, if ever,
a bottle of vicodin. And he’s also not giving himself brain
figures into who gets to be in the main event. damage that might one day lead to him murdering his
Since its creation, the WWE has had more success
whole family. The STF gets busted the most, but in an
industry with a history of fake punches and lazy chinlocks,
with guys who are far removed from being
maybe you’re just being incredibly nit-picky?
technical wrestling experts. Bruno Sammartino is
famous for doing nothing in the ring. Hulk Hogan
His gimmick is lame, and he’s a goody-two
had a formula and he stuck to it. Randy Savage
shoes.
relied more on maniacal brawling then any Objection: What makes him different from 99% of the
technical wizardry. Steve Austin made nearly-
babyface champions in wrestling ever? From Bruno
comedic garbage brawling outside the ring his
Sammartino to Bob Backlund to Hulk Hogan to Bret Hart
trademark during his run on top. And now we have
and even Brock Lesnar, the preachy, happy hero shtick is
just how things have been since the industry began. The
John Cena who is little more then an updated
Attitude Era’s ‘shades of gray’ perhaps spoiled fans into
version of Hulk Hogan, sticking to a well
expecting more, but until the TV-PG rating is Rock
established formula that seems to be quite good Bottomed in favor of the common sense TV-13 that made
at producing fun matches. I mean, how many guys
wrestling a hit, expect the classic baby-kissing champion
mold to stick around for a while.
5 The online magazine for pro wrestling fans worldwide thewrestlingpress.com
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