p82 Postcards passed:p82 Postcards passed 18/12/2008 10:10 Page 83
POSTCARDS FROM THE EDGE
for looking at someone a bit funny, or there’s You can’t tell Jerry though, or the general public. So why do it, why paddle your own canoe? I
simply been a cancelled order – it’s highly Tell them that a shampoo containing jizzonobulase wonder if it’s almost genetic – I wonder if Watson
unpredictable. Tell that to an employed person who will enrich tired hair, and they’ll probably buy it; and Crick missed a trick back in ’53, because
reckons they’ve had a bad week, and remind them somewhere on the double helix, is the self
that next week they’ve somehow got to claw that employment gene. Doesn’t it creep into everything
cash back. Oh yes, and it’s January, and there’s not
a job in the building – after a squeak and a pop
they’ll be touching more cloth than a duvet
salesman.
“
you do? When you rub your sleepy eyes, regret last
If you’re self
night’s prawn thal and reach for the TV remote,
employed you won’t
you’ll no doubt see the red warning triangle of
severe weather.
But think how much time you’ll have when
you’re self employed – no more ramming your
care if there are woolly
‘DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOMES UNLESS IT’S A
LIFE OR DEATH JOURNEY – WE HAVE A SNOW
snout in a banker’s mildewed armpit on the 6.30
mammoths mating on
FLAKE SIGHTING IN HUDDERSFIELD’.
out of Cockfosters. You’ll no doubt be awoken mid
morning by the sound of orange juice being freshly
the M1 and sabre
If you’re terminally self employed, you won’t
care if there are woolly mammoths mating on the
squeezed by your manservant. A couple of softly
boiled eggs and a pot of Darjeeling later, and it’s
toothed tigers looting
M1 and sabre toothed tigers looting Woolworths –
you’ll get up, get out, and in spite of the uncertain
off to the Drones Club for a snifter with Barmy
Woolworths – you’ll
pay, the Victorian hours, the comedy pension and
Fungy Phipps and Ooffy Prosser. I don’t think we
need to waste any time on this one do we? You’re
get out there
likely to do so many hours in the early days of self
employment, the kids will start calling you ”

the threat of losing your house, you’ll have a damn
good go. You’ll ask very little of your government,
or your country, and you’ll create wealth where
before you had your daft idea and said ‘I’m going
Robinson Crusoe. get a blow-dried goon called Barry Scott (who?) to it alone’, there was absolutely nothing.
Not looking good is it – but what about job advise them to buy a product called Cillit Bang In spite of that you probably won’t be in the
security? At the moment it’s true; the employed are (what?) and they’ll probably have some of that New Years Honours list; your place will have gone
spending more time looking over their shoulders too. But you try and tell them that in real life their to Ann Widdecombe for services to fashion – but
than a new boy on the Wuffter Wing in Pentonville. favourite comedian is actually about as funny as for keeping Britain going against all odds, you
But if two out of three businesses fail in their first herpes, but has a great team of writers, or that self should be.
year, and of the survivors perhaps only three per employed people aren’t bunced up to high heaven, Cheers,
cent go on to grow in a meaningful way, it’s hardly and I’m afraid they will not have it – ‘NO NO NO, Paul
a sparkling option. it just isn’t true’
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