successfully navigating the teen years, but emphasizes that, “A mother’s infl uence wins. Be consistent in your loving and clear about rules and boundaries, while encouraging a sense of their own worth and autonomy.” Teenagers are anxious to grow up and do their own thing, but until they have in- ternalized safe and reasonable boundar- ies, they need someone else to establish them. Northrup reports how teen clients that were given too much freedom… “come in aching for boundaries and feel that their parents don’t care about them. It is the parents’ job to create healthy, though not rigid, boundaries.” What has worked for Heather is to casually join Mary Meghan in her room with an intention to be present and actively listen to her. “I say something simple like, ‘I have missed you,’ and then allow her to open up to me without being critical or judgmental,” she explains. “Sometimes we listen to music or look at outfi ts in magazines together.” “Girls know when you’re paying atten- tion, and your tone and body language speak louder than words,” confi rms Eliza. She also notes that, “How was your day?” doesn’t work as well as the more specifi c, “How did your test go?” As with any relationship, there are occasional confl icts and misunderstand- ings, but there’s always potential for repair. Eliza and Sil encourage mothers and daughters to reconnect through the repair process; with heartfelt restoration, the bond grows stronger.
Helpful Activities Everyone benefi ts from regularly scheduled quality time together. Sil
advises, “For households with siblings, this can mean 10 one-on-one minutes a day for each kid. When both parents aren’t under the same roof, technology can help—face time is better than texting, whether it’s through a screen or not.” Some mother-daughter teams
enjoy taking dance classes together, having movie dates or pairing up as volunteers. At their weekend workshops, the Reynolds engage in projects and conversations about what it means to invite spirituality and a sense of sacredness into one’s life. Sil sees fi rsthand how many mothers and daughters are “hungry for spiritual depth.” Heather’s family makes dinners,
school vacations and church activities a priority, including a youth program. She says, “Through our church, we are blessed to have caring, Christian adults we trust to help guide and raise our kids and help formulate their morals. It’s a place where it’s okay to question beliefs and share differing viewpoints.” Many moms seek better bonds with their daughters than what they experi- enced as teens. Heather notes, “I only see my mother a couple times a year, and when I do, I give her an extra hug and apologize [both jokingly and seriously] for my own teen years. Now, having teen girls of my own, I get how hard it is, and I tell her that every time I see her.”
For more information and tools, visit
MotheringAndDaughtering.com.
Meredith Montgomery publishes Natural Awakenings of Mobile/Baldwin, AL (
HealthyLivingHealthyPlanet.com).
Key Family Communication Tools
Avoid the use of absolutes (never, always, everyone, forever) because they leave no room for differing opinions or shared responsibility for problems. For example, replace “always” with “often,” or “everyone” with “a lot of people.” Soften statements by turning heated one-liners into “I” statements. Say, “I feel like you don’t call when you say you will,” rather than, “You never call when you say you will.”
Instead of open-ended questions, try a three-word check-in. Both mother and daughter share three words that describe their current emotional state honestly and authentically. Take turns sharing. There is no need to explain why these words were chosen, but it can give both parties a better glimpse into each other’s current state of heart and mind.
A Daughter’s Go-To Guidelines by Eliza Reynolds
Don’t give up. When you give up, you are asking your mom to give up on you. Instead of stating, “She’ll never get me or trust me and she’ll always embarrass me,” help her to meet the real you.
Stay real. Be authentic and genuine (no BS). If you want to talk, try starting with a simple, “Hey, Mom, I’ve got something I want to talk to you about. Could just the two of us consult for a minute?” Yes, your mom may be eerily on point sometimes, but she can’t actually read your mind (Surprise!).
Build the relationship you want and need. It’s the one where you get along. She listens when you’re talking and you want to listen, too. It’s normal for this to take work. When you choose to be half of this two-person team that’s key to your well-being, teenage life becomes easier. I call it the art of daughtering. Just imagine what life could be like if your mom was your greatest ally.
Connect with Eliza Reynolds via
MotheringAndDaughtering.com.
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