EMOTIONALLY ILL-PREPARED Diane Dennis never thought she’d be alone in middle-age. “Divorce was not in the cards when I got married,” she says. “I expected to be married forever.” But after meeting her fi rst husband in college, getting married young and having two children, she began to realize this was not
going to be the relationship of
her dreams. Every DENNIS day she was very aware
of cracks forming in the marriage. “In any long-term marriage there
are so many transitions within the relationship, and each juncture, each one you could decide, I don’t want to do this anymore,” she says. After 15 years, that’s what she
divorce would be as diffi cult and as traumatic as it really was. You’re leaving everything you knew behind.” Indeed, in the AARP study,
women admitted to more stress and depression after leaving a longtime fi rst marriage, although about 30 percent said they were able to move on eventually and begin happily dating. Still, an incredible 76 percent said
that when all was said and done, they’d made the right decision. “Despite the worry, torment,
and fear they go through making the decision and going through the divorce process, divorcees cope fairly well with life after divorce,” researchers wrote. “The majority feel that they are
on the top rungs of the ladder of life, using buzzwords like freedom, self- identity, and fulfi llment.”
decided. She found it incredibly diffi cult at fi rst. Everything was topsy-turvy, especially with the kids. Dennis says she was ill-prepared for the emotional upheaval, particularly this new notion that she and her ex-husband were suddenly parenting from separate planets, or at least that’s how it seemed. “The kids would come home and say, ‘Dad’s new girlfriend wouldn’t let me leave the table until I fi nished my plate,’” she says. “And it just hurt your heart, because those aren’t your values.” When her kids were still young, she married again. And this time she was pretty sure he was her knight in shining armor. “He was fi nancially
successful, single, had previously been married for 20 years,” she says. “I thought, He’s only on the market temporarily. He’s going to get snapped up.” And it sure didn’t hurt that he lavished her with attention and gifts.
A nurse at the time, Dennis began
to slowly transform her career, staying home during this second marriage to nurture her creative, refl ective side
and be there for the children. She wrote a parenting column for the local newspaper and began appearing on TV as a parenting expert. She wrote a book about a group of women who were dealing with cancer. Her new career seemed to blossom right along with the family — except she and the second husband weren’t blossoming.
She sensed trouble soon after their wedding day. “I thought, This isn’t what it seems.”
His troubles were addictions, and they eventually drove them
apart. But Dennis is still hoping she’ll fi nd that perfect match. Ever the romantic, she likes sharing life with a partner. “I did not expect to be alone, and it’s been eight years,” she says. Yet, just like most other divorcees,
Dennis says she’s happy she left — both times.
ALL FOR THE BEST For Brian Caesar, who worked in
Manhattan as a commodities trader, going through a midlife divorce was the most horrifi c experience of his life. And the best thing he ever did. Caesar, who now lives in Monmouth Beach, N.J., got married 20 years ago, when he was just starting his hotshot career. “She was a lawyer, and we had
CAESAR
fun,” he says now. “I was Jewish. She was Jewish. I was in love.” And while the marriage produced two sons — they’re now teenagers and the couple shares custody — Caesar says his decision
to divorce was really not all that diffi cult once
everything unfolded. Still, he was unprepared for the
emotional and fi nancial strains of leaving marriage. “It’s total fear and paranoia,” he
says. “And it’s horrible, because you’re talking about knowing that your
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