The good enough family therapist: We may choose to be family therapists but not necessarily in circumstances of our choosing


Amy Urry Plenary address for the South West Family T erapy Forum, Dillington House, Ilminster


I will draw on systemic and at achment ideas alongside professional and personal experience to consider what it means to be an adequate family therapist in professional and personal contexts that fall short of ideal. Bowlby (1988, pp. 26-27) proposed that: “At achment behaviour is any form of behaviour that results in a person at aining or maintaining proximity to some other clearly identifi ed individual who is conceived as bet er able to cope with the world”. I will consider some of the implications of this idea as it relates to therapeutic relationships and to the challenge presented to us when we feel inadequately supported to cope with the world.


The presentation When invited to present at the


Dillington conference, I was not sure what I would choose to speak about but thought it would probably focus on my current work as a family therapist within a specialist service for those diagnosed with personality disorder. This initial idea was hijacked – as I was looking in my filing cabinet to prepare, I came across a mother’s day gift that my daughter gave me in 2010 – a beautiful gift entitled “A few of the reasons why I love you being my Mum”. This reminded me of the time in


the late 1970s when I became a mum, paralleling my beginnings as a family therapist. 40 years ago, I had these two ambitions – to become a mother and to become a family therapist. Forty years prior to the conference (December 6 2019), I was a week away from giving birth to my daughter, and had completed my first training at the Family Institute in Cardiff. There was the fantasy about these


identities – and then reality interrupted this fantasy – lived-experience and espoused theory – story lived and story told. Of course, little prepared me to know what it would be like or to be able to predict the circumstances that would impact on my personal and professional life to influence how well I could and can be a mum and family therapist.


6 My daughter’s gift to me was something


of a confirmation that I had not been so bad as the former – the choice of gift, quality of her reflectivity, as well as the content of the book confirmed to me that I had a part in enabling her to become the fine – and complex – person she is. This despite some grim and challenging times we experienced sometimes as a family. I reflected on the parallels that exist in our personal and professional worlds – the challenges that can beset us when constraints battle with resources; when we feel unsafe in the world be it personal or professional – knowing that others rely on us to create the conditions so that they can cope with their worlds which have not been adequately resourced, frequently in all domains. I will draw on attachment ideas to


understand how we may form therapeutic relationships with those who have not had the experiences to resource their development or develop security in themselves and in their relationships. Donald Winnicott (1964, p. 88)


suggested: “There is no such thing as a baby.” “If you set out to describe a baby you


will find you are describing a baby and someone. A baby cannot exist alone but is essentially part of a relationship.” This is joy to the ears of systemic


practitioners. Whilst wanting to privilege the relationships between family


members and other naturally occurring ones, we need to think also about our relationship with our clients – indeed, that may be the core tool in our work. To build on Winnicott’s idea: “There is no such thing as a client/


patient – if you set out to describe one you are describing a person and someone.” I hear frequently relational constructs


being employed but without due attention given to the importance of relationships. Attachment theory is a valuable resource to correct this. More than ever, there seems to be a fear


within professional contexts that getting close to our clients is unhealthy – there has been always a worry in professional contexts that workers may become over- involved and contaminated, and now this is intensified by the targets that organise us – relationships take up time and money and are maybe best avoided. However, it is important to consider those situations when a certain level of dependency from clients is necessary for repair and recovery. Winnicott (1960) proposed that for


infants: 1. Dependence is a natural state that, if provided suffi cient care, a child will progress through. 2. Physical care and maintenance are only the tip of the iceberg in a child’s developmental process.


Context 170, August 2020


The good enough family therapist: We may choose to be family therapists but not necessarily in circumstances of our choosing


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