MM Relationships
‘Let me get this straight,’ I said, ‘she’s not fed, she’s not dressed and the place is a tip. What exactly where you doing?’
> And from where exactly does a new mum derive these new, heightened auditory skills? Well, apparently she feeds off her partner’s and leaves him with reduced hearing. While new mums leap out of bed at the sound of a quiet gurgle, dad’s hearing apparently allows him to sleep through a gang of Hell’s Angels marauding through the bedroom! As always, though, science tends to back
up the men, with research from Mindlab International finding that, although a baby’s cry was the number one reason for night-time waking in new mums, it didn’t even figure in dads’ top tens! Knowing that this is a scientific fact may
be enough to pacify you and allow you to accept that daddy simply can’t help the fact that he doesn’t hear baby cry at 4am. (If however you still feel the need to whack him with a dirty disposable nappy at 4am or turf a vase of flowers over him while he’s asleep, we’re with you sister!)
18 Modernmum The last battlefield is that of making
your instructions clear. When you become a mum, it’s easy to develop this sense of ‘only you know how to do things properly’. While for the most part you do, the fact is that, even if daddy doesn’t do things the right way (aka your way), the chances are that baby will survive and may actually enjoy the experience. I’m reminded of the first day I ever left
my partner alone with our daughter for a whole day. ‘Off you go,’ he said. ‘Just go on out
for as long as you need. I have everything covered.’ It sounded great. Time off for me
knowing that The Babe (then aged about fourteen months) would not only be well looked after, but would also have a great time playing with Daddy. I left home at ten that morning. I returned at four to Wipe City.
Everywhere I looked, there were baby
wipes. The dolls were all lying on the floor on wipe blankets, covered with wipe sheets and dressed in wipe clothes. The TV was sporting a snazzy wipe
blanket. The sofas and chairs had wipe armrests and cushions. I was so stunned by Wipe City that it took a moment to realise that The Babe was still in her pyjamas. ‘Why isn’t she dressed?’ I asked
tentatively. ‘Well,’ says he, ‘we’ve been playing all
day and when I tried to put her clothes on, she didn’t want to get changed, did you sweetie?’ Chuckles and big smiles all round. ‘Why is she drinking a bottle?’ I asked,
again tentatively. ‘She didn’t ask me for anything to eat.’
(As I said, she was fourteen months…) ‘How many times did you have to
change her nappy?’ I said, turning towards the kitchen. No response was needed. Lined up on the floor, rolled up neatly, were three little nappies. I didn’t even ask. ‘Let me get this straight,’ I said, ‘she’s not
fed, she’s not dressed and the place is a tip. What exactly where you doing?’ ‘Looking after her!’ Suffice to say, there are no portraits on
my walls of white voile and white fur rugs, but, having said that, on that day, my face was certainly a picture!
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