Preternatural Postbag

Dr E.mann’s

Dear Dr E. Mann, I just saw a large float in Norwich city centre with Teresa May’s massive head on it with a gun in her mouth, and it reminded me about the forthcoming election. I’ve always considered myself a bit of a “man of the people”. Rich people, that is, and as such I’m very busy. What I need to know is, do I need to bother going to vote or is it a shoe-in? Only I’m very busy on the 8th and as long as the other lot don’t turn up this should just roll in like last time. whatstheTorymorningglory69

Dear Tory, I’m afraid it’s not looking good for you. I was gazing into one of my many crystal balls, and the mists eventually cleared to show a landslide victory for Labour. I see a grinning Corbyn cutting the ribbon on a lovely shiny new hospital while the ghost of Tony Benn looks on approvingly, like Ben Kenobi at the end of Return of the Jedi. Meanwhile, Teresa May is grimacing, her nasty little claws dug into the wood of 10 Downing Street’s door. She’s snarling like an injured dog while being dragged away by Dianne Abbot. So, in answer to your question, I wouldn’t bother.

Dear Dr E. Mann, I’m thinking of ways to improve myself, and I can’t decide between improving my mind or my body. I’ve seen this karate class that looks like fun, and I’ve always wanted a rock hard six pack and the ability to kick a man in the face. However I’ve also seen Spanish classes, and I wouldn’t mind being able to converse with the senoritas when on my hols in the Riviera. If only I knew which one would

prove to be more useful over the coming years. Can you look into my future and tell me the best use of my time? spanishflykick69

Dear Spanish, I took a linguistic approach to this quandry, and have just finished a solid hour of speaking in tongues with my eyes all rolling about. Listening back to the recording, I can certainly make out the odd word of Spanish, but there also seems to be bursts of what could be described as deeply racist impressions of Asian people hitting each other. I conclude that the spirits are advising you to do both. Why choose? After all, there are plenty of hours in the week for both study and punching bits of wood while screaming.

Dear Dr E. Mann, I’m in the market for a new motor, but I’m in two minds. I can’t decide between something small, cheap to run, and easy to park like a Ford Fiesta, or whether to go with something a bit flashier and sportier like a Mazda MX5. Sure, it’ll cost more, and be less practical, but I’ve always wanted one. Please can you use your sizeable psychic ability to look into the future and see whether in a year I regret buying the convertible, or if I love it and never look back? fastandcurious69

Dear Fast, Ah, the age old question: Practical or frivolous? Functional or fun? Potting shed or bouncy castle? Sponge cake or Battenberg? A nice cup of tea or one of them cocktails with all fruit and sparklers and that. Well, in this case, I thought it would be nice

Astrology, tea leaves, tarot… I am the professor of prediction,

the doctor of destiny. Astrology, tea leaves, tarot… I am the professor of prediction, the doctor of destiny. If you require guidance into a difficult situation, or simply want to know what the future holds, then look no further. Want proof? Tink of a thing. Anything. Don’t let me steer you in any direction, just really drive the image home in your mind and try not to tire. Of course you’re thinking of a car, but what you don’t know is that it’s my car! And I’ve got a TomTom to the Future.

to use favomancy, as I haven’t consulted the beans in a while. After a good shake, the beans indicated that you should go with the Mazda, and the beans are rarely wrong. Ah, wise beans. Vroom vroom! Beans.

Dear Dr E. Mann, I was driving about the other day and I saw a sign in someone’s garden what said “Vote Labour” and I was like yeah alright then. But then a bit later I saw another one in a different garden what said “Vote Conservative” and I was like umm, ok. Ten a bit later than that I saw one what said “Vote Green” and I was like hang on, what the actual fuck is going on. What do you reckon? VotingFloater69

Dear Floater, It has for a long time been my belief that we are surrounded by signs. However they are normally more of a metaphorical kind of thing. I’m turning to the runes to answer this one. Let’s see... Tey say that a great choice is coming... a time of decision...yes, the runes are clear. Tey say that it’s not about the front gardens of this world, but all about the allotments. Te answers are in the spuds.

Dear Dr E. Mann, I done plop plop. All plop plops in my tights. Smelly plop plops. What I do with all this plop plop? Boris, 52, London

Dear Boris, Ah, the old scatology gone a bit wrong eh? It happened to me a couple of times when I was training. Just remember, the trick is not to have too much to start with, and use a stick rather than

your hands. Tat should stop your shitty tight problem and the future will reveal itself.

Dear Dr E. Mann, I think my ex-wife is haunting me. We were married for 40 years until she died of gout. Tis was several years ago, and I’ve slowly put my life back together and healed the wounds. Ting is, I recently met a new lady, and she’s quite a bit younger than my dead wife. Te problem is I reckon my ex is livid and keeps interfering from beyond the grave. Tings keep vanishing into the ether, like money from my wallet and my car keys, and the other day I found a big ghostly shit on the kitchen floor. Can you have a word? Trevor, 57, Limpenhoe

Dear Trevor, I dusted off the Ouija board, and reached out to your deceased wife. As it happens it’s nothing to do with her, she’s far too busy up there, what with all the famous musical newcomers of late. If you’ll pardon the expression. No, this sounds decidedly human in origin, and I don’t think that you need to be psychic to figure out where to start.

Well, that’s it for another month. Just enough space left to tell Jim from Trowse - you can’t do more than six in a night without risking your family name; Grant from Acle - you only get one shot, so you’ll have to wait until they line up; Francesca from NR7 - try it sideways; and Phil from Boathouse - it’s a generous offer, but the last time I tried we actually lost the 31st of September and everyone forgot that it even existed.

-Mail DrEMann@outlineo for psychic advice- 8 / JUNE 2017 / OUTLINEONLINE.CO.UK

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