JACKTHERIEPE Dick Bregstein to the rescue By Jack Riepe #116117
THE MACHINE WAS not quite what I expected, even though I’d previ- ously looked at over a dozen photo- graphs. The red paint was a shade
more flamboyant than I was used to. (The swatch book called it “Show Tunes Red.”) The fairing seemed a bit peculiar in the pictures, and it was worse in reality. Yet here the bike squatted, with the expectant seller wearing the blandest of poker faces concealing the rock bottom price he’d take for this example of mechanical perfection. The bike was a 1995 BMW K 75, low seat model, in pristine con- dition. It sported a set of authority bars and a Parabellum “Scout” fair- ing. “Go ahead and sit on it,” wagered
the poker face. Sitting on a new motorcycle seat is
like kissing a debutant for the first time. There are no negatives. This brings us to Riepe’s Third Corollary of Intense Motorcycle Riding: “That the seat on any potentially new, or about to be acquired motorcycle will ini- tially feel great in the garage or the showroom floor.” The strange seat will seem cushier, more relaxing, and more seductive than the seat that has been shaping your butt for years. It will seem to kiss your butt with a soothing, cuddling action that will leave you thinking, “Now that’s key- ster tribute.” I sat on the low seat K 75 and felt
my butt being absorbed into the sad- dle. The “low aspect” of the bike made it “somewhat” easier to plant my feet on the ground. The machine certainly “felt” lower. The K 75’s familiar dash seemed enhanced by
114 BMW OWNERS NEWS September 2015
the Scout fairing’s tinted windscreen. Even the austere practicality of the chrome authority bars seemed “charming,” as the seat blatantly lied to my butt, snuggling against tonnage that no seat could ever honestly love. Butt/seat romance can addle a man’s thinking. “I’ll take it,” I said. “Here’s all my money.”
Remember the last time you kissed a debu- tant? How did that turn out? The romance was over in a few short
weeks. Nine hundred miles later, the seat and my butt were carrying on like they had been married for 27 hard years. My butt winced like a tortured soul every time I mounted the bike and the seat warped into a permanent sneer, common to splitting mauls. I hired a detective to trace seat’s background and discovered it had been designed by
powers,” he said. “You need Russell Cycle Products.” Based in Shasta Lake, Califor- nia, these folks have a reputation for build- ing custom saddles that are a perfect match for individual derrieres. Ordering a saddle from Russell Cycle
Products is an exacting science, requiring a number of critical photographs, vital statis- tics, and riding data. I decided not to lie about my weight in the event it voided the warranty. RCP required pictures of me flat- footing the bike and riding it. I used satel- lite photographs as the ones provided by my friends were big on entertainment value but lacking in usable data. RCP’s website lists every possible seat
the North Korean secret
police. Two hours in this saddle and the average rider would be willing to sign any- thing. Asking around, I discovered that other riders had seats that were pieces of slate covered with vinyl or anvils painted with black pleats. The legendary horror writer Stephen
King wrote “Christine” in 1983. It is the story of a 1957 Plymouth Fury with evil supernatural powers. I was now the owner of “Edna,” a 1995 BMW K 75 with a seat that was pure evil. Confiding in the woman I loved, I explained how the seat on this bike was chipping away at my butt like the jack hammer from hell. She was a beautiful blond who always saw the bright side of life. “Look at it this way, Jack. Your butt is the most prominent part of you. Dick Breg- stein says he can see it coming and knows you are only two hours away. If this seat is really busting your buttocks to splinters, it might be a good thing.” She used to be a debutant. God, I miss her. Desperate for a solution, I called in an
exorcist. He shook rattles, danced around, and chanted things. Two hours and $50 later, the seat bit him. “This is beyond my
configuration for hundreds of bikes, and each of their saddles is as unique as a set of fingerprints. (Technically speaking, this seat is an exact profile of my butt and should be accepted as legal identification at any airport in the country.) The site depicts a cross-section of the saddle’s construction, illustrating their highly innovative spring suspension, which results in unique wings to support your butt cheeks. I believe the spring used in my seat was a leaf taken from the suspension of an Abrams battle tank. Russell does require your seat pan, which makes getting one of these saddles an ideal winter project, as it will take a few weeks. The result was the absolute largest vinyl-
covered structure ever devised by man. It looked great on the bike, gave me the option of seat heat, and sported two fat- man wings that are the secret to their sus- pension system. The seat also came with a bit of a manual that explained how this product may change your riding habits. For example, the price of unbelievable comfort may mean moving forward at stops, as the wider seat may make planting your feet dif- ficult or impossible from sitting far to the rear. I read this and laughed. For a man like myself, no directions are necessary to sit down.
lifestyle
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