Flourishing Families A Better Path to Put Children First


It’s All About Your Marriage by David McVeety


Te second highest demographic for divorce is people who have been married 25–30 years! Does this shock you? Couples regularly tell us stories about how disconnected they


are, how they don’t date anymore, and, in some cases, describe finding their needs met in others, whether physical or emotional. Te most common reason for this disconnect is — you


guessed it — children! We know kids change our marriages, but they shouldn’t destroy our marriage. Oſten when we have kids it’s because we “want them” and


maybe we believe they will make our lives and relationship some- how complete. Tis is ironic because too oſten one spouse will pour into the kids while the other pours into a career. Instead of completing our lives and relationship, the new normal “depletes” it. And couples have little leſt for each other. Let me be fair: putting our kids first makes sense, especially in


those early years when they are completely helpless. Even as they grow, there is only so much they can do to care for themselves or financially support themselves for they are dependent on us on many different levels, and we have a responsibility to provide for their needs. Unfortunately, if we don’t take the time to balance our family life with our marriage, we will struggle to maintain an adequate connection, and when kids move out of the house, we are strangers living together. We must give our kids what they really need, but it turns out


that what they need most is for us to have an incredible marriage and relationship with our spouse. Without it, they will lack the foundation of security they need today and in their future. Cracks they find in their foundation can rock even your adult children and potentially have a devastating effect on their lives and families. We want to give our children something worth modeling. One way to keep our relationship strong is to learn how to


identify and express our needs to our partner. Proceed with caution, however, because saying “Tis is what I need from you …,” can potentially lead to personal entitlement, defensiveness or misunderstanding. I like to phrase it in a soſter way, perhaps some- thing like, “I love you, and I miss us. I want a deeper and more incredible relationship with you, I think __________ would help


us get there. What do you think we can do differently?” Rephrasing your language not only helps your partner better


receive your message, but it also shiſts your thinking from blam- ing, moving from “me” to “us.” Remember that putting your spouse first is putting your chil-


dren first — and they will appreciate the family model that you leave them more than you can imagine. Here are a few ideas for how to keep your marriage first:


1. Date your spouse! Schedule regular date nights as oſten as possible.


2. Know your own needs well enough to express them. 3. Soſten your language as you communicate your needs with each other, remembering you are on the same team.


4. Choose to listen to and meet your spouse’s needs when they express them to you, this keeps your heart in a state of giving rather than taking. My kids occasionally ask their mother, “Why are you and Dad


going out on a date? You’re already married!” And her response is, “Do you like how Mom and Dad love each other and are married? Ten we need to keep dating.” And they quickly send us off to sta- bilize their foundation. May you enjoy building a firm foundation for your children as much as we do.


davidmcvety.com doingfamilyright.com


Fellowship Focus, January/February 2017


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