ER 18
RegardingMen Men and Our Anger Like a diamond, all emotions
have countless facets to them. Men’s relationship to anger, not to say rage, is exceedingly complicated and nuanced. I’m stating from the onset that it is our responsibility to under- stand, know, and appreciate the mes- sage of anger and then express anger healthily. Often our own relationship to this emotion is more troubling than our relationship with other peo- ple, though anger directly affects these relationships. Anger is a valued part of our
emotional makeup and should not be a toxic waste product. Anger in its essence is not bad as feelings are not bad. How we express or don’t express our feelings, in this case, anger, is the real issue. What we do when we’re angry alienates us from ourselves and from others thus it is up to us to be conscious and to express this feeling effectively. Anger can be used to help us take charge of our lives or it can make us prisoners in our heads and then we take prisoners with us. Most of us men have no model
for how to express anger. Growing up what we observed and learned for themost partwas to pack down, click off, and suppress all feelings includ- ing anger. Or perhaps our experience was the direct opposite.We observed fathers or other men who had a shot- gun approach to anger, sometimes fueled by
alcohol.Anybody who was in the way was a target and we ducked for cover emotionally and lit- erally as the man ranted and spewed his anger in all directions. I have heardmanymen use the term“ragea- holic” for this type of man. Then, there is also a third in between method that men use. This is the fist through the wall method where the man on the surface seems to be in control of himself and then without warning unleashes his rage at the plasterboard. Haven’t you wondered, as I have, how all those thousands of punches land in spots with no studs
behind them? Expressing feelings and acting them out are not the same. With great compassion I can say
that I’ve seen how men are in a dou- ble bind about expressing feelings especially anger. Anger can be both the easiest and the hardest emotion to express. On many levels it’s the easi- est because men have been condi- tioned and socialized to believe that anger is a manly emotion and some- how justifiable. It’s what men do and it’s better than crying. On the other hand, it can be the hardest because often men don’t even know they’re angry and have been conditioned and socialized to be nice boys. Nice guys don’t lose it. Nice guys say they’re “frustrated” or “annoyed”. When I hear these words, I sense very often that they are euphemisms for “furi- ous” or “enraged”. This has to be acknowledged and expressed. Anger does damage to men both
internally and externally. Externally the havoc created by unhealthy expression directly affects the men, women and children in our lives. Men can lose a woman, a family or a job. Internally, the damage can be in the form of addictions which cover up the anger or in the form of illness or dis/ease. It is generally acknowl- edged more and more in the medical profession as well as in the alterna- tive healing modalities, that heart disease and back pain can be related to anger. (Check out Healing Back Pain by John Sarno,MD or Love and Survival by Dean Ornish,MD). Another internal manifestation of anger is depression. One of the clas- sic definitions, though incomplete, is that “depression is anger turned inward”. Men who are angry aren’t fool-
ing anyone. Anger is an energy and people feel it whether it comes out directly with ranting, yelling or phys- icality or indirectly in the form of sarcasm, not being present as in tun- ing out, sexual disinterest, passivity or other ways of being disconnected.
Expressing anger “sideways” is as pernicious as yelling. A major truth for us to be con-
scious about as men dealing with anger is that under anger for men is always FEAR and/or SHAME and/or GRIEF. Fear and shame for men are infinitely harder to feel and to express than anger. Shame, in partic- ular, is so painful that we’ll do any- thing not to feel it. Boys and men have extraordinary experiences of being shamed and the best way to defend against these hurts and pains often becomes to offend with expres- sions of anger. This concept has to be consciously and reverently examined by men. Discerning and acknowledging
and expressing fear and/or shame and/or grief are a huge step forward towards diminishing anger. This is by far the most effective “anger man- agement” in my opinion and experi- ence! It is incumbent onmen to show up in therapy, in groups, or with the woman in our lives to look at and feel these emotions in a safe environ- ment. Dealing with our deep feelings such as anger is something that we can’t do alone. Anger is a big signpost that says,
“Something needs to change in my life!” This is not bad news and has to be heeded. There’s a lot at stake for men and for those around us if we don’t take charge of our emotional lives. The expansion and connection which result enhance all of us. More on our anger in next
month’s article. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Joseph is a Licensed Clinical
Social Worker who practices in Paramus, NJ. He specializes in sup- porting males of all ages to deal with issues particular to men. Joseph also does couple to couple counseling with hiswife,Marina.He can be reached at 201- 261-9129
ByJosephMaurino
Inner Realm ~ 2016 ~
www.innerrealm.net
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