breath, you might realize that you need five minutes [to con- sider a response].” If you still remain in attack mode, it might not be the best time to respond. He adds that while no conflict should be avoided alto-
gether, careful consideration might lead us to conclude that some battles aren’t worth fighting. Ask yourself: How impor- tant is this person to me? How important is this issue to me? “If neither is vital to you, save your energy for a better use. If the issue is not important, but the relationship is, it’s okay to accommodate or give in sometimes,” he says.
Be Direct and Follow-Up Some conflicts are worth confronting. Then, Barbara Pachter, a business communications consultant and author of The Power of Positive Confrontation, offers what she calls the WAC approach for dealing with most cases of work and family conflict. W: Ask yourself: What is really bothering me? “A lot of
times, people don’t do this. They just say, ‘This person is a jerk,’ rather than specifying the problem.” A: Ask them for a solution. “We often complain, but we
don’t identify a solution,” she says. “Determine what is going to solve the problem for you and ask for it.” C: Check in. “Turn it over to the other person and ask
for their response. Inquire: ‘Is this possible? What do you think?’”
All the while, stay curious about the other person’s perspec-
tive, suggests Harper. “We tend to see ourselves as the innocent victim, or we go into hero mode and tend to see the other person as the villain,” he says. “Of course, the other person is doing the same thing, and that makes collaboration tough.” Instead, ask sincere questions—and really listen.
Agree to Disagree Terrie McCants, coordinator of the conflict resolution program at Kansas State University, notes that in some cases, especially when deeply held values such as politics or faith are involved, resolving conflict isn’t necessarily about reaching an agree- ment. “You cannot negotiate people’s values. Sometimes, these are things that people are willing to lie down and die for,” she says. “Instead, sometimes you might need to agree to disagree.” In the end, whether the conflict is a minor disagreement at
home, a workplace quarrel or a complicated political dispute, the process of properly working through it can leave both par- ties feeling stronger and improve their communities. “Conflict forces you to problem-solve collaboratively and come up with options and elegant solutions,” she explains. “If handled well, it can add brilliant things to your life.”
Lisa Shumate is a freelance writer in Boulder, CO.
www.naturalawakenings-houston.com
natural awakenings
February 2012
19
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