with others. The other half of our normal feeling existence is relegated to isolation, separation, and aloneness. With all of those beliefs and habits as
a backdrop, it is almost entirely logical that we might be terrified to show or express any of the normal and natural painful reac- tions to losses of any kind. It even makes sense that we might believe that if we started crying we wouldn’t be able to stop. So, if you have been a little hard on your- self for what you could not do, give your- self a break. You may have been executing your programming perfectly. It may sound a little harsh and inhu-
man to say that you were programmed, but if you follow the analogy, you might find it helpful in allowing you to change. At the very least, if you can see how well you executed the incorrect things you learned, you will see that you can also execute correct things with great precision. We have yet to see anyone not be able to stop crying. However, we have seen too many people avoid using The Grief Recov- ery Method because of an inordinate fear of any expression of their sad, painful, or negative feelings.
“Killer clichés” about loss We have all been educated on how to acquire things. We have been taught how to get an education, get a job, buy a house, etc. You can take courses in virtu- ally anything that might interest you. What education do we receive about dealing with loss? What school do you choose, to learn to deal with the conflict- ing feelings caused by significant emo- tional loss? Loss is so much more predict- able and inevitable than gain, and yet we are woefully ill-prepared to deal with loss. One of the most damaging killer cli-
chés about loss is time heals all wounds. When we present open lectures on The Grief Recovery Method, we often ask if anyone is still feeling pain, isolation, or loneliness as the result of the death of someone important to them 20 or more years ago. There are always several hands raised in response to that question. Then we gently ask, “If time is going to heal, then 20 years still isn’t enough?” Recovery from loss is the result of ac- tions taken within time, but it need not take as much time as you have been led to believe. Recovery is totally individual and there is no absolute time frame. Some- times in an attempt to conform to other people’s time frames, we do ourselves
Natural Triad Magazine
great harm. This idea leads us to another of the killer clichés, “You should be over it by now.”
It is bad enough that well-meaning, well-intentioned friends attack us with killer clichés, but then we start picking on ourselves. We start believing that we are defective or somehow deficient because we haven’t recovered yet. If we take just these two killer clichés,
we can see that they have something in common. They both imply that a non-ac- tion will have some therapeutic or recov- ery value. That by waiting and letting some time pass, we will heal. Let’s add a third cliché to the batch, “You have to keep busy.” Many grievers follow this incorrect advice and work two or three jobs. They fill their time with endless tasks and chores. At the end of any given day, asked how they feel, invariably they report that their heart still feels broken; that all they accomplished by staying busy was to get exhausted. With only three basic killer clichés we
can severely limit and restrict our ability to participate in effective recovery. It is not only that people around us tell us these clichés in an attempt to help, but we our- selves learned and practiced these false beliefs for most of our lives. It is time for us to learn some new and helpful beliefs to assist us in grieving and completing relationships that have ended or changed. QUESTION: I have heard that it takes
two years to get over the death of a loved one; five years to get over the death of a parent; and you never get over the death of a child. Is this true? ANSWER: Part of the problem is the
phrase get over. It is more accurate to say that you would never forget a child who had died, anymore than you would ever forget a parent or a loved one. Another part of the problem is that time, of itself, is a recovery action. Although recovery from loss does take some time, it is the actions within time that lead to successful recov- ery.
Written by Russell Friedman of the Grief Recovery Institute. Submitted by Ellie Mc- Falls, MCHt with permission. The primary goal of The Grief Recovery Method is to help you grieve and complete relationships that have ended or changed.
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