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will I be able to stop? If I start crying
here are many misconceptions about the pain associated with significant emotional loss. Some relate to the
relationship of others, for example: “It’s not fair to burden them with my pain,” or “You have to be strong for others” [mom, dad, kids, etc.]. Some relate to how we think we should be reacting to the loss, for example: “I should be over it by now,” or “I have to keep busy.” One of the most hidden and danger- ous fears is that if I ever let myself feel the pain that I sense, I will start crying and never be able to stop. It is precisely this kind of incorrect assumption that can keep us locked into a position of unresolved grief, forever. And yet, based on what we have been taught in our society, it is a most logical extension of everything we have ever learned. We were taught from our earliest ages
that sad, painful, or negative feelings were to be avoided at all cost. And if we were unable to avoid them, at least, not to show them in public. Everyone we’ve ever talked to can relate to these comments: “If you’re going to cry, go to your room, and cry alone”; “Knock off that crying or I’ll
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give you a reason to cry”; “Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone.” Those are just small samplings of the kinds of remarks that have dictated your reactions to the loss events in your life. In one of our articles we said that many of our survival habits were developed when we were quite young, and that we may be managing adult lives with the limited skills and perceptions of a child. If you picture a tiny infant, unhappy about something, you will realize that the infant communicates displeasure at the top of its little lungs. If you think about it, you will recall that infants also express plea- sure at the top of their lungs. They make no distinction between happy and sad, in terms of volume or intensity. As children move out of infancy they are socialized to reduce both the volume and intensity of the expression of their feeling responses to life. This might be somewhat acceptable if both happy and sad were merely muted a little and muted equally. Unfortunately, only the sad side gets severely crimped. The happy, joyful, and positive feelings are allowed to stay, and can even be shared
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