A-LISTS fruit fly by angelica osborne
here’s so much pressure put on the holidays, isn’t there? I love seasonal traditions as much as anybody, such as watching the Macy’s Thanks- giving Day Parade while chopping pecans for the orange salad. Next there’s hiding veggies under a thick layer of Bisquick while pretending
to give a sh*t about the football games. Or even the seven-layer salad, three-layer banana pudding and the five-layer chocolate dream pie! At my family meals, it’s all about the layers! I listen patiently to the men folk as they discuss all the faults of athletes, playing
sports they’ve never attempted in their whole life. I love it, but sometimes the moral expectation of it all is such a party pooper. We are expected to look good, be pleasant, not drink AND laugh at your fat cousin’s stupid Obama jokes? Ughhh! Not to mention biting your tongue whenever your auntie, who’s been married five times, gives her high moral opinion about the sanctity of marriage, while sh*t-talking Demi Moore’s current matrimony crisis. It’s enough to take the tang out of Grandma’s three-bean salad! Like so many other Southern Californians, I am not originally from this area (obvi-
ous?), so that means I travel to get home for the holidays and spend hundreds of dol- lars to do so. I expect to at least be able to relax and be myself—is that so much to ask? I’m tired of swallowing their inappropriate jokes! If it’s funny, I feel I’m OBLIGATED to share! I’m sick of trying to hold my head still when I am dying to shake it from side to side, while my uncle tells me why they shouldn’t teach mandatory Spanish in schools, because this is our country and everybody should speak “American!” (I can’t even type this without shaking my head!) Also, if you are from my hometown, which is a “dry” county—yes those still exist—
family gatherings are stone cold sober, as if it wasn’t hard enough! All the younger generations drink, but not around our elders. No ma’am! I had one of my aunts throw a fit because a family friend wanted to buy some congratulatory cigars as souvenirs for her new grand baby—because she “refused to put any support behind the sell- ing of tobacco!” Oh good grief. I don’t even smoke but that made me want to light up more than anything! I just can’t take it anymore! So, this year I’m going to be full of surprises. I love traditions, but I’m thinking it’s high time they were revised—I’m starting my own non-traditional traditions! First, Great-aunt Jean’s brownies will now be medicinal—no reason to mention it
to anybody either, I’m sure they’ll thank me later. Second, the turkey will be replaced by my favorite vegetarian option, the Tofurky! Whoever isn’t fat can object. (Crick- ets...) Next, when we go around and say what we are thankful for, at least one item has to involve a sex act. i.e. “I am thankful for golden showers” or “1/2 and 1/2s”, “donkey punches,” etc. Also, I want to turnIt’s a Wonderful Life into a drinking game! Every time someone says, “Potter!” you have to take a swig. Oh, and while we’re busy getting real, let’s cut the crap with our kids by pretend-
ing Columbus had a positive impact on the Native Americans. Columbus was a douche—brave and courageous, but still a total douche. They will find this out at some point anyway, just like we all did. So might as well be historically correct and just accept the fact that Columbus brought with him the near end to the Native American people. So how do we still celebrate? I think we acknowledge the gifts and blessing the Na-
tive Americans brought to the settlers as they discovered this new land and maybe even have a moment of feeling bad… before feasting and celebrating our freedom, not forgetting how we came about it. I think it’s totally okay to use the holiday as a day for being grateful, celebrating each other and reminding ourselves why we love these people—but don’t live near them...
Now who wants to come to MY holiday dinner?! Hmm? 32 RAGE monthly | NOVEMBER 2011
“We are expected to look good,
be pleasant, not drink AND laugh at your fat cousin’s stupid Obama jokes? Ughhh! Not to mention biting your tongue whenever your Aunt who has been married five times, starts to give her
high moral opinion about the sanctity of marriage while sh*t-talking Demi Moore’s current matrimony crisis.”
Who
To Eat Me?
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