Ask Amy!
Amy Egan is a Parenting Consultant and trained Love and Logic Parenting course facilitator. She and her husband are parents to their teenage son and 11 year old daughter. They live in Allen, TX. If you have a question about teens or tweens for Amy, please email her at
askamy@northtexaskids.com.
Trouble With Teens? Not Necessarily!
Many of us become intimidated when we picture our little ones growing up. We hear stories about how difficult it is to raise a child once they become a teenager. We see teens around town and often think they look ‘out of control’. We shudder to think we will, one day, be dealing with beings just like the these neighborhood teens that look so alien. There is certainly no magic bullet for raising a teen who is actually pleasant to be around. But according to author and family therapist, Michael Bradley, Ed. D., in his excellent book, “Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy…How To Love Your Kid Without Losing Your Mind”, the most important part of having a good relationship with your teenager, is having their respect. He stresses, in no uncertain terms, that without their respect, there will be no relationship. This may seem frightening to many of us as parents because when we truly face the music, we have to admit that we do not have get respect from our kids that we should and need to have. It is frightening because when we think about their disrespect we believe it is their problem. They are choosing not to respect their own parents. We may have called them out on the issue countless times and become frustrated by our words not making one bit of difference in the relationship. We walk away over and over, rolling our eyes and thinking, “I
can’t wait to get through this phase!” But according to Michael Bradley as well as the founders of the Love and Logic Parenting Program, Jim Fay and Foster Cline, MD, getting our kids’ respect is our responsibility. And going about getting it from them does not include: lecturing, yelling, pleading or complaining about not having it. Quite the opposite. We get respect from our kids when we model respect. Bradley lists in his book, several behaviors that lead to disrespect from kids, (and their opposites naturally lead to respect from them.) Some of the items on the list are the obvious ones. They would include things like finding pot stashed in Mom’s drawer, realizing Dad has had multiple affairs, and a parent getting caught embezzling money from his company’s funds. Then there are other things on the list that you may never have realized would sabotage your kids’ respect for you. They include going down to their level when they are acting out of control, not standing by your word with consistency and giving in when they put up a huge fight.
So, what are some techniques that will dramatically increase the odds of having a respectful relationship with your teen? I believe the first and by far most important one is to not argue with them. Give up the fantasy that you can argue them into believing you are right about whatever it is you
14 North Texas Kids • February 2011 •
www.NorthTexasKids.com
want them to believe and give up the idea that you have to have the last word or you have lost. When your ego gets involved, everybody loses. Instead of arguing, explain to your teen (or any aged child!) once, what you believe. (You may not go to the party because I know that the parents will not be home, etc.) When your teen comes back with a retort, here is where you resist the temptation to engage. You must simply repeat what you have already said or something else Love and Logic refers to as a ‘one-liner’. My choice would be, “I’m just not comfortable with it.” And with every retort, repeat the same line.
When you first begin the ‘no
arguing’ technique, you can bet that your teen will rise to the occasion by trying harder to pull you in. After all, that is what worked in the past. So be ready for a long haul the first few times you use this technique. But the more often you stand your ground, repeat yourself in a monotone while you busy yourself with your own business, the sooner they will get used to knowing, ‘When s/he does this, s/he will not be changing her/ his mind.’ And then, your teen will challenge you less often. And guess what happens when a kid knows that a parent means what they say, sticks to their word and is not an easy pushover??? Yep…that parent gets
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44