The not so serious side of the industry You CANNOT be serious!

Now that’s tragic!

Are you giving 100%?

FROM a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wondered about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give more than 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you understand these questions:

If: A-Z is represented numerically as 1-26:

Then

H - A - R- D -W- O - R- K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and

K -N-O-W- L - E- D - G - E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% but

A- T - T -I- T -U- D - E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% and

The England cricket team’s heavyweight secret weapon in their Ashes victory last summer will not be able to aid them this time around. Merlyn, the cumbersome spin bowling machine, that England admitted helped them in the 2005 series, is too heavy to fly to Australia and be transported around the Test venues.

Last summer England’s batsmen spent hours facing the 500kg beast which can simulate the flight, turn and bounce of spinners such as Shane Warne.

But they will have to do without him as they aim to successfully defend their Ashes crown.

create and lives in a hay barn in Wales. It is normally driven around the country in a horsebox. Matthew Pryor, son of septuagenarian inventor Henry, said that Merlyn was quite heavy, but very

96 Merlyn took 15 years to

manoeuvrable on the flat and, therefore, fairly easy to transport around the venues in England. However, given the distances in Australia, it would not have been possible to transport the machine by road. The only other option was to fly Merlyn to each destination but that had huge cost implications. England were trying to look on the bright side of not having Merlyn’s magic this time around as they prepare for the first Test in Brisbane on the 23rd November. “It has been decided to not

take Merlyn on logistical grounds. We’ll use Australia’s superb net bowlers as we always have,” said the ECB’s communications boss Colin Gibson.

It seems odd that the England team didn’t have similar weight and manouvrability issues with one of their former, Ashes winning, captains!

B - U- L - L - S- H - I- T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

and look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S- K - I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with

mathematical certainty that, while hard work and knowledge will get you close, and attitude will get you there,...... it’s the bullshit and ass kissing that will put you over the top.

As for me I just prefer to

P - L- O - D - A - L- O - N - G 17+12+16+4+1+12+16+15+7 = 100%

FORMER Pop star Kim Wilde has made the transition from Top of the Pops to Top of the Crops, carving herself a new career in Garden Design. A strong supporter of the Dunweedin range of products, she is also partial to a bit of PC.

Quote me happy!

“Too many players looked like fish on trees.” Paul Merson on Englands defeat in Croatia

“We’ve got a couple of milestones around our neck.” West Ham boss Alan Pardew

“At the highest level you have to score goals to win matches.” Peter Reid (fair shout Peter)

Thought you might like this Liverpool FC team photo taken recently at Anfield

“He plays with his arm on his sleeve.” Former player, and now commentator, Gary Birtles

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