The Pro-Child Way:
Parenting with an Ex
by: Ellen Kellner
form your mouth in a way that turns
Speaking Words of Wisdom: upwards at the corners. To some,
divorced-parenting language including your child, this non-verbal
3
Say “We Love You”. Does
your child know that both you
and your ex love him/her?
mouth formation represents a smile.
That’s a pretty big item to be left to
When I attend a lecture, I always go
Only you know whether your heart
chance. While your loving actions
with the intention of retaining a few
supports the outward reflection of
are important, by hearing that he/
items that I can immediately put into
this gesture, but to your child, it’s
she is loved, your child is able to
practice. I find that by committing
a reassuring sign that all is ok. Be
connect what she experiences
to a handful of small items, I can
sure to engage these facial muscles
with what she hears, creating an
make big changes in my life without
when watching your child leave and
unquestioning reality of love. You
feeling overwhelmed by the whole
return from visitation. Be sure to
can do this. Everyday, say: “I love
of the seminar. At the start of the
use this expression when you talk
you very much and Daddy loves you
seminar I write on the top of my
about your ex. Use it when your
very much. Mommy and Daddy both
notebook: “Take-Aways”. Then, as
child talks of her dad. Smiling is part
love you very much.” It isn’t up to
points inspire me, I write down my
of the new you.
you to judge your ex’s love, it’s your
list of Take-Aways to implement.
job to tell your child that it exists.
So, get out your pen to record your
Take-Aways, as I offer these Words
of Wisdom for you to employ so you 2
Tell your child that you
and your ex talk. It is
important that your child
can nurture your child’s spirit as you knows that you regularly, privately,
4
Mention your ex. And
make it positive. Your child
should hear you talk nicely
parent with an ex. talk with her other parent: the
about her other parent. So, think
good, the bad, and the mundane.
of nice ways to include him in your
1
Smile. Before delving into
Not only does this reinforce to your
conversations. “Ooo, look at that
uttering sound, I begin this
child that you both care, but it is
blue car, it looks just like Dads!”
divorced-parenting language
also very effective in nipping any
“That’s a funny joke, you’ll have to
exercise by encouraging you to
“tattle-tale” problem that your child
tell Dad!” “It’s 5:00, Dad should be
may have picked up. “I mentioned
on the plane now.” In conversations
to dad today…”, “Dad was so proud
with your child, you should mention
of you when I told him…”,
the people that your child loves, and
“Dad couldn’t believe
those who love your child – including
that…”. These aren’t
your ex. In turn, your child will feel
occasions to scold,
that her other parent is an integral
shame, or bully your
part of her life – regardless of
child or her other
divorce.
parent. They are
simple statements
of inclusion. Your
child benefits by
5
Don’t let “Dad” become “Your
Father”. Your child knows
that her parents are divorced.
knowing that she
You don’t need to constantly detach
has parents who
yourself from your ex. Everyone
talk.
See PARENTING page 46
Fall 2009
aspiremag.net
45
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48 |
Page 49 |
Page 50 |
Page 51 |
Page 52 |
Page 53 |
Page 54 |
Page 55 |
Page 56 |
Page 57 |
Page 58 |
Page 59 |
Page 60 |
Page 61 |
Page 62 |
Page 63 |
Page 64 |
Page 65 |
Page 66 |
Page 67 |
Page 68 |
Page 69 |
Page 70 |
Page 71 |
Page 72 |
Page 73 |
Page 74