Fall iNtO the mOvie gAP
OctOber NOvember And The Frog, the studio’s first hand drawn effort in a
Don’t expect an on-screen three-way between Matt I may just have to skip The Box from a name value while that also stars its first black princess. Welcome to
Dillon, Neve Campbell and Denise Richards in Where standpoint, but it stars Cameron Diaz and James Mars- the 21st century, Mickey!
The Wild Things Are. No, it’s not because that would den as two people facing an oral dilemma. Ah shoot!
mean ol’ Miss “It’s Complicated” actually landed a film I misread the description—it’s a moral dilemma! Sigh! December
role. Yeah, right! I love me some Jimmy Marsden, okay? Anyhoo, if Let’s face it; James Cameron’s Avatar has the big-
This movie is based on the beloved children’s book they press a button in a box they will receive $1 mil- gest likelihood of breaking box office records. Not
by Maurice Sendak about a boy named Max (Max Re- lion. However, if that happens someone will die! Hey only is it his first flick since Titanic, it’s filmed entirely
cords) who creates a monster-filled world after being Denise found a movie role for ya! I’m just hoping that in 3-D (Duck! It’s Rumer Willis) and the release of its
sent to his room for disobeying his mother. The Men Who Stare At Goats wasn’t filmed on location trailer recently broke the Internet. That’s why I couldn’t
Maybe Dee Dee still has a cinematic shot in hell in Arkansas, otherwise there will be more than glances download porn that day! Plus, it’s getting an unprec-
after all! Not for playing his mom (Catherine Keener going on! Oh Clooney’s in it? Next! It’s a good thing edented three-month run on IMAX screens. Avatar,
got that role), but as an inexpensive way to save on that the end-of-the-world flick 2012 is being released not gay porn—talk about comin’ at ya. With all of the
monster make-up—any more self-tanning and she now and not in three years, otherwise nobody would hullabaloo surrounding the reported gay overtones
could headline in Attack of the Killer Oranges! Another see it! in Guy Ritchie’s remake of Sherlock Holmes, he should
book-to-movie adaptation is The Road starring Viggo New Moon is the hotly anticipated sequel to Twilight, have just called it Sherlock Homo. Film critic Michael
Mortensen as a father roaming a post-apocalyptic and by hotly anticipated I mean that co-star Taylor Medved recently said that audiences wouldn’t want
world with his son. Aww! That sounds adorable! Did I Lautner buffed up for his role as werewolf Jacob Black. to see Robert Downey, Jr. and Jude Law making out.
get my adaptations mixed up? ’Cause this has bedtime Before you start thinking, “I have to introduce myself Oh really? Speak for yourself sister and lose that tired
story written all over it. to neighbors each time I move,” he’ll be 18 on February Village People moustache!
I guess Hilary Swank took on the titular role of mys- 11. Great, now I sound like a pedophile and a stalker! cut.Print.that’s A Wrap!
teriously vanished aviatrix Amelia Earhart in Amelia, Nine is not to be confused with the recent animated I almost plumb forgot another way to denote the
because playing real-life people usually equates flick 9, although one of its stars, Kate Hudson, is built change in the year. Why look! There’s another Tyler
Oscar gold—and her other two Academy Awards are like a ragdoll. Maybe they should add a “Sixty” in front Perry Madea movie to remind us all it’s time to pack
getting lonely. Greedy much? of it to distinguish the two? No, this one is based on the away the hot pants and wife beaters, in order to don
Besides, there was a role that was tailor-made for Broadway musical and is directed by Chicago helmer warmer gay apparel. Phew and just in time! My gold
her a little too late—they already did a biopic of Sea- Rob Marshall and stars Daniel-Day Lewis, Dame Judi lamé short shorts were starting to chafe! But Tyler
biscuit in 2003—she’s got some choppers on her I’m Dench, Penélope Cruz and Nicole Kidman. Hope it’s Perry, there’s no need to title your newest film I Can Do
just sayin’. Drew Barrymore marks her movie directo- a hit; ol’ Nicki needs one of those like a crack addict Bad All By Myself —trust me I’ve seen your movies! But
rial debut with Whip It, starring that one girl...oh Juno, going through withdrawals! Disney decided to kick it why’d you have to pull Mary J. Blige into it? Until next
(nope, not being racist) Ellen Page. old (and new) school simultaneously with The Princess time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print!
OctOber 2009 | RAGE monthly 29
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