lighter, he could have carried it like always.” When are we helping and when are we doing too much? “Put yourself in the sick person’s
shoes. Avoid doing something the person can do for himself,” agrees Denholm. Controlling behavior changes the dynamics of the relationship and can put the caregiver in a parental role. She recommends a holistic brainstorming exercise in which the caregiver writes answers to such questions as: What am I frustrated about? What really annoys me? Why am I angry with myself? The results offer a window to understanding our own feelings. “Feeling anger could mean we’re acting co-dependently and taking on too many responsibilities,” Denholm says. “The caregiver’s job isn’t to save the patient, but merely to support him or her in necessary ways.”
Ask for Help “I don’t want to be a burden,” and “We’re afraid of losing our privacy,” and “I’m the only one who can take care of him; no one else can do it right,” are common concerns. “These self-limiting beliefs prevent people from reaching out for help,” says family caregiver and life coach Yosaif August, founder of Yes To Life Coaching (YesToLifeCoaching. com), in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and author of Coaching for Caregivers: How to Reach Out Before You Burn Out. August quotes a recent Johns Hopkins study that reported caregivers might
Extending a Hand to Caregivers
If your caregiving friends can’t articulate what they need, try these lovely offerings.
Send a cheerful card. Gift a plant.
Weed their garden. Cook a meal.
Schedule a walk together.
Sit with a loved one for several hours so they can run errands.
Volunteer to get their car washed.
Take them to a movie or out to dinner.
Buy a gift certifi cate to use online. Treat them to a massage.
improve their health “… when caregiving is done willingly, at manageable levels and with individuals who are capable of expressing gratitude.” Accepting assistance makes caregiving more manageable. August understands how
overwhelming the experience can be and advises caregivers to ask themselves: “What do I need help with right now?” Keep answers specifi c, such as, “I need someone to prepare dinner tomorrow night, mow the lawn and pick up our vitamins.”
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August also suggests creating a family Declaration of Interdependence, a personal statement documenting how the family prefers to be helped, along with the attitudes and behaviors they fi nd especially supportive. Encourage family and friends to ask these two questions: “Are you open to advice?” and “Is this a good time to talk about your spouse’s condition?” Make much-needed breaks sacrosanct from such discussions.
Nurture through
Nourishment More than 50 percent of caregivers surveyed in a 21st-century study spearheaded by the National Alliance for Caregiving reported, “I don’t have time to take care of myself.” That can translate to a lack of exercise, an unhealthy diet and little or no respite. “If you aren’t healthy and strong, you
can’t properly care for anyone else,” says Liana Werner-Gray, New York City natural lifestyle consultant and author of The Earth Diet (
TheEarthDiet.org). To begin each day, she advises drinking one cup of warm water with juice from half a lemon, explaining that stress produces acid and lemon water metabolizes as alkalinity and helps keep the body’s pH balanced. For healthy snacks, Werner-Gray recommends easy and nutrition-rich choices like fresh fruits, green smoothies, organic nut butters and a trail mix of raw nuts, seeds and dried fruits. Save time
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www.DoctorMaggie.com
September 2014 17
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