E12 OnLove NUPTIALS BENJAMIN SHIPLEY
Joanna West & Ryan Moser
Joanna West, 26, is an art teacher. Ryan Moser, 30, is an operations researcher. They live in Arlington.
Wedding date: Sept. 24 Location: The Barns at Wolf Trap Guests: 150
How they met: A little more than a year ago, Joanna messaged Ryan on
Match.com after reading his profile, titled “101 Reasons Why You Want to Be My Girlfriend.” Her note caught his attention when she mentioned that she was raising baby chickens.
The proposal: Less than four months later, Ryan proposed to Joanna during a snowy walk around Burke Lake on Christmas Eve. Afterward, Ryan and Joanna spent the day with her family, waiting for them to notice the ring — but they never did. Ryan and Joanna ended up spilling the news at dinner.
The wedding: The couple planned a harvest-themed wedding at the Barns at Wolf Trap and drew on Joanna’s art skills to create 3-D pop-out invitations and customized table centerpieces. The floral arrangements incorporated flowers that the couple grew together in Joanna’s garden. Their wedding cake, baked by a friend, was made using eggs from Joanna’s chickens.
The honeymoon: The newlyweds spent the day after their wedding at the Mayor’s House at the Inn at Little Washington. They plan to travel to Greece during the winter school break. — Michelle Thomas
KLMNO
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SUNDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2010
WHAT YOU’LL FIND ONLINE • Our OnLove questionnaire, which couples can fill out to be considered for coverage. • Videos, photos, advice and polls.
MIKE B. PHOTOGRAPHY
NEW START: Shannon Regan and Andy Calkins bonded over their divorces. “We shared a lot, and it became a really good friendship,” Calkins says. When he returned to Washington in
by Ellen McCarthy For the first three years they worked
together, Andy Calkins thought Shannon Regan was smart, professional and “like a drone.”
Regan, a contractor at the Defense De- ANDREW HARNIK PHOTOGRAPHY
Tracy Mathieu & Robert Huffman
Tracy Mathieu, 47, is an international sustainable-development consultant. Robert Huffman, 53, works for the Department of Defense. They split their time between the District and Woodbridge.
Wedding date: Sept. 18
Location: USS Sequoia and the U.S. Navy Museum Guests: 130
How they met: During an event aboard the USS Sequoia three years ago, Tracy found herself with an extra glass of champagne and offered it to Robert.
The proposal: Soon after they met, Tracy left the country for a three-month business trip to Spain. Upon her return, Robert took her to 1789 in Georgetown for their first special date. So when it came time to propose, Robert took her back to that restaurant and arranged for the same corner table. He proposed there, prompting applause from the other diners.
The wedding: Tracy and Robert arranged to wed on the Sequoia, the site of their first meeting, while guests watched dockside. After a sunset sail, the newlyweds joined guests at the U.S. Navy Museum for a nautically themed reception. Their cake was topped by a 11
⁄2 -foot-tall statue of the couple in
Alfred Eisenstaedt’s iconic photo of a sailor kissing a nurse (transformed into a bride with the help of frosting) in Times Square.
The honeymoon: Fittingly, the couple centered their European honeymoon on boats. Highlights included a mega-yacht show in Monaco, a classic boat show in Cannes and a gondola cruise on the Venice canals.
30 YEARS IN For better, for worse and far longer than they expected Her parents had divorced, as had both
Somewhere along the way, Leila McDowell & Tony Head found happily ever after
by Ellen McCarthy
Leila McDowell didn’t give much thought to the future when she married Tony Head on New Year’s Eve in 1979. At 26, McDowell was a free spirit who had moved from Seattle to the East Coast for college, become a political activist and traveled through Africa on her own and wasn’t interested in being tied down. Head was a government worker trying
to make it as an actor. He’d spotted her in the audience while performing in a musi- cal the previous March. They moved in to- gether three months later. Leila regularly reminded him not to get too invested in the relationship; she had a list of qualities she was looking for in a man and he didn’t possess all of them.
Still, she was touched by the sweetness with which he nursed her following an op- eration, and after nine months of dating, they decided to get hitched. “It was very casual,” she says. “My thought was, if it doesn’t work out, I can get divorced.”
sets of grandparents, plus most of her aunts and uncles. It was, she says, a “fami- ly tradition.” Her friends predicted the marriage would last two years, tops; Mc- Dowell wouldn’t have been surprised if they were right. The relationship turned long distance
for several years as Head pursued acting jobs in New York and McDowell moved to Harrisburg, Pa., to work as a TV reporter. They wanted kids, but doctors insisted she wouldn’t be able to get pregnant. They were wrong. In 1983 she gave birth
to a little girl, but their “miracle baby” had mental retardation and Turner syndrome, a genetic disorder that affects the devel- opment of sex characteristics. Later, she was also diagnosed with autism and a sei- zure disorder. Layla required round-the-clock care.
Throughout her childhood and into her 20s, she would sleep just a few hours a night, often only when Head slept on the floor near her bed. With no family around to help and babysitters who would come once and never return, her care became their sole focus. The couple, who now live in Fairfax,
gave up their dream jobs for more practi- cal careers — he in sales, she in communi- cations — and for the next two decades, they almost never vacationed, dined at
resolve to resolve everything that hap- pened in our relationship,” says Head, 58. In 1990, the couple adopted a 4-year-old
boy, Kwame, who’d been in foster care. Three years later came another surprise: McDowell was pregnant, this time with a healthy son, Anthony. Eventually Layla moved in with a care- giver who lives nearby. Head began taking acting jobs again, including a small part as a police major on HBO’s “The Wire.” By next fall, both sons will be away at college; an empty nest, McDowell says, “is some- thing we’re actually excited about.” When McDowell thinks back to that
SUSAN BIDDLE FOR THE WASHINGTON POST
TO BE:Head and McDowell’s quick marriage has been a lasting one.
restaurants or went to the movies. “It was a grueling experience, physi-
cally,” Head says. The two had little time for each other but were living through something no one else could comprehend. “We ended up having so much in com- mon because we traveled this journey to- gether,” says McDowell, now 57. There were fights and moments where each privately wondered if the marriage was worth the struggle. “But we had the
laundry list of qualities she’d been looking for in a man, what stands out are the char- acteristics that were missing. “Humor, kindness, generosity of spirit — none of that was on my list,” she says. “And yet those were the ingredients that made for a healthy relationship that did endure a lot of tough times.” And that endurance, she says, is more
rewarding than she ever expected. “What I like to share with people in new relation- ships is that old relationships are really nice. You become very, very close friends,” she says. “I say, ‘Hang in there, because if you work through it, what you get on the other side is something that you can’t even imagine — it’s a very beautiful thing.’ ”
mccarthye@washpost.com
partment security agency where Calkins was a civilian employee, would come into the office, take her seat a few cu- bicles away from him and keep her head down until it was time to leave. “I hate to say it, but she was dull. . . . It was like there was no personality,” he says. “I al- ways wondered what was underneath all that.” The facade was masking heartache and a fair amount of shame. Regan, the 34-year-old mother of a young boy, was in an unhappy marriage that she couldn’t seem to fix. “I’m a very proud person and I want to come across as strong,” she says. “So I didn’t ever want to seem like I had a messy life or I had problems, which is why I was so withdrawn.” But late in the summer of 2008, some of Regan’s colleagues began to notice a shift. “They started asking, ‘What’s dif- ferent about you?’ ” she recalls. “And I said, ‘Well, I’m getting divorced.’ ” That fall, Calkins, a 47-year-old mem- ber of the Army Reserves, shipped off to Afghanistan for a six-month deploy- ment. Still working remotely on his De- fense Department job, he regularly e- mailed Regan about various projects. Slowly the correspondence became more cordial. Calkins admitted that his mar- riage of almost 20 years was also crum- bling, and the two began trading obser- vations about the trauma that comes with a family breakup.
“I was looking for somebody to talk with about what I was going through, and she was looking for somebody,” says Calkins, the father of a 19-year-old daughter, Jordan. “We shared a lot, and it became a really good friendship.”
February 2009, Calkins rented a tiny apartment as his divorce was proceed- ing. “And that was really awful,” he says. “I just felt lonely, I guess.”
Regan lived in a big house in Anne Arundel County that she was having trouble selling. When her roommate de- cided to move out in March, she told Cal- kins that he could stay in her finished basement. After some initial awkwardness, they
settled into a comfortable familiarity. They shared meals and joked with Re- gan’s son, Alex, now 7. Regan had always
what do you have to lose at that point?” she says. “I already felt like I had been through the worst that I was going to be through. If I asked somebody if they had feelings for me and I’m wrong — well, okay, I’m wrong.” A relationship developed quickly, though Calkins felt himself trying to hold back. “You almost fight the feelings,” he says. “You know logically, if I base this on statistics, then I’m probably moving too quickly and I probably need to take a step back and let things cool off a bit. But when it comes right down to it, you don’t get too many opportunities for this kind
“I knew there
was a good heart there”
Shannon Regan & Andy Calkins
admired Calkins for his drive and de- cency. “He was always very kind to peo- ple at work,” she says. “So I knew there was a good heart there.” But as they spent time together, her feelings developed beyond the profes- sional or platonic. Drinking wine on her couch one night at the end of March, she asked, “What’s your deal?” “I don’t know what you’re talking
about,” he said. “What’s your deal with me?” she re- sponded. “Well, I’m attracted to you,” he said. Hearing that, she leaned in and kissed
him. “When you’ve gone through a divorce,
of relationship, this kind of love.” Regan was still dealing with the after-
math of her divorce, and there were times, she says, “when I just didn’t even know how I was gonna make it through the next moment.” And instead of shield- ing him from that turmoil, she let him see all of it, no matter how messy. In turn, he told her about his failings and insecurities. To his relief, she re- sponded with understanding rather than criticism. “It’s an enormous burden lifted when you’re able to talk to somebody like that — not to think that you have to put on any airs about what’s going on. You can just be completely honest,” he says. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way.”
A year ago, as Calkins’s divorce was fi- nalized, they moved to a new home in Calvert County and began to talk of mar- riage. Calkins was wary, knowing how much devastation a failed one can bring. But in the months that followed, his con- cern waned, and he concluded that “ulti- mately, she was always going to be the one who was going to love me the most.” Still, he called his parents and siblings for advice as he contemplated a proposal. “I said, ‘Listen, this is happening again, so if there are any reservations, I want to hear them now.’ ” With their encouragement and the blessings of both Regan’s father and her son, Calkins asked her to marry him that Easter. Throughout the engagement, friends
asked Regan if it feels different this time, if she was as excited to make a second trip down the aisle. Both questions seem misplaced, she says. “I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s
a different thing altogether. I don’t feel like this is a second attempt at something that didn’t work the first time,” she says. “To me, everything else was just getting me to where I’m supposed to be right now.” They each married for the first time at
age 24. Now, both say, they better under- stand who they are and what they want —a lasting commitment. “You go into it thinking, ‘I’ve been through this once, I want to make all the corrections, I want to make sure that’s the right thing,’ ” Calkins says. “We’re looking at it like, ‘This is it — there are no other options.’ ” On Oct. 16, they were married near Deep Creek Lake with Alex serving as best man and Jordan as maid of honor. Surrounded by trees turning yellow and amber, the couple exchanged vows that they’d written before 120 friends and family members.
“Because of you, I laugh,” she tells him. “I smile.”
mccarthye@washpost.com
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