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KLMNO By Karen M. Tracey • Edited by Peter Gordon •
www.fireballcrosswords.com The Post Puzzler No. 24
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2010
NICK GALIFIANAKIS FOR THE WASHINGTON POST
You can’t mollify distrustful girlfriend
Dear Carolyn: In the car, my girlfriend and I were listening to an advice show. She paused it to discuss the topic, and I talked about my friend “Jen,” who had had a struggle with her husband similar to the one on the show (her zero-tolerance policy on porn and his continued use). I was very disoriented by my girlfriend’s visceral reaction.
It bothered her that I allowed a married
woman to speak to me about something she considers a private matter between the couple. Unless I am a professional counselor, I am an interloper, usurping trust and intimacy that belongs inside the couple.
Stupidly, I got very defensive and tried to reassure her. It was one conversation. It took place years before I met my girlfriend. I had met her husband only once, briefly, and the chances of my interacting with him or anyone he knew were virtually zero. Jen and I communicate once every year or two and several factors — geography, family obligations, value systems — make it hard to imagine Jen or me trying to be something other than distant friends. Now my girlfriend says she cannot trust me until I find myself in a similar situation — receiving a tearful phone call from a desperate, distant friend who is actively contemplating divorce — and acquit myself accordingly. I have no idea how to restore the trust. No amount of time, transparency, or otherwise trustworthy conduct will begin to repair this rift. Where do I start?
Interloper If you think that conversation was a
box o’ giggles, wait till she sees this in print. I agree, getting defensive was a
mistake. But that’s often what happens when people catch us off-balance — and when we’re afraid to say the wrong thing, which is your real problem here. You’ve presumably collected yourself
by now, so it’s time to tell your girlfriend exactly where you stand on this issue. If you believe it was fine to help Jen,
then say so. Assure her — since integrity demands it — that she can talk to her
CAROLYN HAX
friends about you, if she needs fresh eyes on something. Explain your reasoning, too. Here’s mine: It’s important to be able
to confide in others about a marriage, as long as people choose their topics and their confidants judiciously. Third parties help keep a marriage in perspective, and insisting that spouses get that perspective only in counseling needlessly obstructs the emotional checks and balances that trusted friends and/or family members provide. In fact, imposing limits on outside
contact is a classic abuse tactic. It’s so much easier to manipulate someone if there’s no one to witness the manipulation, to watch the victim’s back. After you spell out why you helped
Jen, say exactly what you’ll do if you get a tearful call like hers again. Meaning: Crumple up your girlfriend’s infantile test, and lob it into the trash. Which brings us to fear of saying the wrong thing: Your defensiveness is a precursor to walking on eggshells. You know your girlfriend’s long on opinions and short on flexibility, yes? So you spin your stories around her sensitivities, knowing “trustworthy conduct” alone doesn’t impress her — i.e., knowing her trust meter is broken. Even if it weren’t, make no mistake: Either she embraces the un-spun you, or she’s not for you.
Write to Tell Me About It, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or tellme@
washpost.com.
at
www.washingtonpost.com/discussions.
for an old wedding dress ASK AMY
Finding a good fit
Dear Amy: I got married two years ago in a beautiful wedding gown. My mom did the bulk of the alterations and it was perfect for the occasion (and she knows how grateful I am for all her hard work). After the wedding, I got my dress cleaned and preserved and professionally packed in an archive box. I did it because I wasn’t sure what else to do with the dress. Now, my husband and I are preparing to
move and I have this large and bulky box containing a dress I will never wear again. In all the packing and sorting we’ve been doing, I am revisiting my reasons for keeping this dress. It’s a beautiful dress, but I am not sure what to do with it. What do women typically do with their dresses if they don’t want them collecting dust in the basement for the rest of their lives?
Grateful but Practical
You should ask your mother if she has an interest in (and storage space for) your beautiful dress. She might be happy to hold on to it until your reasons for holding on to it — or discarding it — become clear. Women who keep their wedding dresses typically do so for sentimental reasons or because they hope to see a daughter or another relative wear it someday. Women who don’t want to keep their dresses sometimes burn them in the driveway (when the marriage doesn’t go well), auction them online, sell them on consignment or donate them to a worthy charity such as Brides Against Breast Cancer/Making Memories Foundation (
www.makingmemories.org).
Dear Amy: I love my husband, but, although he’s only 42, he is a cranky old man. Our older children and I sometimes rib him by making fists in the air, exclaiming, “You kids get off my lawn!” He can be very harsh, opinionated and cynical about people.
His childhood was quite rough, so I can
understand where his attitude comes from. On the other hand, he is a very smart guy, has a sense of humor, is involved with our three kids, is loyal and is a good provider. He has been very thoughtful over the years and we have come to a mutual understanding. He hates social occasions, organized
events at the schools or in town and attending church — all things I love to do. I made the decision long ago to go to events on my own or with the kids. He is fine with me leaving him at home, and I enjoy myself more without dragging him around. There are people at my church who think I am a single mother! Neighbors and family members always ask where he is. I try to make excuses about work or him being tired. What can I say to people when they wonder where he
is? Can you make any suggestions? The Codger’s Wife
You shouldn’t make up excuses for your husband — certainly if they aren’t true. Just say, “My husband is a little antisocial. He likes to keep the home fires burning, but I’m happy I’m here.”
Write to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune. com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.
©2010 by the Chicago Tribune Distributed by Tribune Media Services
ONLINE DISCUSSION Carolyn Hax’s weekly Web chat is at noon Fridays
TODAY’S HOROSCOPE Holiday Mathis
Aries (March 21-April 19) You follow through and complete the
projects you begin. This is especially easy for you when you choose only those projects that have a big fat reward at the end.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You can achieve what you set your mind to do. The trouble is in setting your mind. There are many appealing options available to you. Take your time figuring out which one feels the best for you.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) Make an effort to stave off the
“ho-hums.” The right friend by your side will help you live life with gusto. Consider spending more time with a Sagittarius or Scorpio person.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) You will be busier than normal, which is why you are reticent to invite anyone new into your circle. If you do extend an invitation, it will be to a carefully selected individual who is certain to add value to your life.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) The piggy bank is overdue for a deposit. Put your mind to the task of making money. There are new ways to
do this that you haven’t thought of yet. And there are people you could talk to who really need your help and services.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Take your motivation in whatever form it comes. If it’s not coming from inside you and if you find that you’re really working hard for the approval of others, then so be it. The important part is that you are moving things along.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) The world you call normal is very
different from what another person routinely experiences. Someone passing through for a casual visit to your world will feel as if they are on another planet.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) You’re susceptible to the tone of others now. Your choice of company will have a powerful impact on your mood. So have a blast with the fun people instead of letting the sad people bring you down.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You will be a source of fascination for someone. This person could ask impertinent questions, only because his or her curiosity is so strong. You’ll answer with grace.
CUL DE SAC Richard Thompson
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) You will be an effective and thoughtful leader. Your knowledge of the workings of your own brain will lead you to understand how others perceive a situation. You’ll speak to their concerns and get past them.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Too many meetings will impede your progress. If you can reduce the number of meetings you are obligated to attend, you will greatly increase your productivity.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)
Someone who appears breezy and casual may have deeper feelings for you. You’ll have to be very perceptive to notice this. It’s nice to know you make such a favorable impression.
TODAY’S BIRTHDAY | OCT. 24: You have the wonderful ability to see the beauty in others and focus on that. Because of this talent, people will blossom around you. Bringing out the best in others benefits you in many ways, including financially. November brings a surprise opportunity. Deep connections are highlighted in December. March brings a vacation. Leo and Scorpio people adore you. © 2010, Creators Syndicate
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