THE WASHINGTON POST • THURSDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2010
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L OCAL LIVING
daughters — ages 8, 4, and 6 months — but they’re raising these sweet, smart little girls in a cocoon.
The oldest was one of the most popular children in kindergarten, but she has been home-schooled ever since, and now her 4-year-old sister is her only friend. My daughter-in-law says that the older child has poor social skills, but how can she mature when she only plays with her younger sibling? I have begged the mother to
arrange play dates for her, but she was an isolated child herself and thinks that this daughter is just like her, which isn’t true. Many family members are also concerned about the development of these children, and they too think that home-schooling is a bad idea because there is no socialization. Only the other grandfather approves, because the church that he — and they — attend has a large home-school network. The older girl goes to a few of its group classes once or twice a week. And both girls take ballet, which is good for the 4-year-old, but it bores her big sister, who has never connected with anyone there. She is on the swim team, too, but I watched her after the last event and it broke my heart. She was sitting by herself while all the other children were playing and interacting with one another. I’ve also begged the mother to
let the girls visit us alone, so each child could have time with
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Parenting Read more advice from Marguerite Kelly at
washingtonpost.com/advice.
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FAMILY ALMANAC Feeling butterflies over cocooned girls by Marguerite Kelly
Our son and his wife are the loving parents of three
keeps my mouth shut.” The choices your son and daughter-in-law are making now may or may not be wrong, but they have the right to make them, because these little girls are their children, and they know them better than anyone else in the world. Sometimes they’ll make mistakes — all parents do — but even mistakes have value, because they will help them refine their parenting styles.
And because they know their children so well, they will adjust their rules to suit each child’s personality, talents and interests, though they may not adjust them as quickly as you’d like.
When they do decide that the HADLEY HOOPER FOR THE WASHINGTON POST
their parents and with us, but they insist that they come together for two reasons: They think that we want to see the oldest girl alone because we love her more, which is nonsense, and also because they think the younger one should do whatever her big sister does. They did let the older one come alone to see us, but when she got back, they said that her little sister missed her and was sad all weekend and that the older one could never come by herself again. How do we handle this
situation without driving a wedge between us and our son’s family? These parents do so many things right, but shouldn’t a child’s free time be filled with friends and having fun?
BEYOND THE ALMANAC
To find other ways to entertain grandchildren and other young visitors, read “Toad Cottages & Shooting Stars” by Sharon Lovejoy (Workman, $15). It’s full of good ideas and simple ones, too.
— M.K. A
Your advice is well-meant and wise in many ways, but you really shouldn’t be telling your son and his wife how to rear their children. Instead they need you to listen to them, rather than talk; encourage them, rather than criticize; and give them compliments instead of advice. You should be, in short, like the grandmother who happily visits her children and then says to herself, “I makes my bed and I
younger one can let her sister go, they’re almost sure to let the older child visit you on her own, and when they see that their children need to make more friends, they’ll either put them in school or they’ll help them socialize more. In fact, that’s what they seem to be doing now, for they have put your oldest granddaughter into several group classes at church, sent her to ballet and let her join the swim team, too, only to find that she still can’t make friends as easily as she once did. You can help her do that by introducing them to the children in your own neighborhood. If you have a cookout, invite another couple who have daughters or granddaughters around 4 and 8 years old. The grown-ups will talk to one another, and the young ones will play together, but the 8-year-olds won’t say much to each other or anyone else unless you ask them to make the salad or set the table. Small jobs, you’ll find, give self-conscious children something to talk about.
Questions? Send them to
advice@margueritekelly.com.
FROM THE CHAT
Marguerite Kelly answered questions recently in an online chat. Here is an edited excerpt:
My son will be a few weeks or days shy of 3 when his little brother or sister is born next spring. Any tips for making the transition easier for him? Be sure to come home from the hospital with a present for him — from the baby. A dolly is nice, with a tiny baby bottle, so he can feed his baby while you’re feeding the new one. Also appoint him to be Diaper Man, to bring a fresh diaper to you when needed.
Our toddler (who is almost 2) is still sleeping in our room in a crib. I think it’s high time for him to be in his own room, but my husband loves having him in with us and is resisting this next step. Our toddler doesn’t need us to be in the room with him to go to sleep. He has his own room, but my husband never finished painting it and always has a list of excuses for why it remains unfinished. I don’t understand his reluctance. Do you have any tips for negotiating this? Fortunately, a woman can paint a room just as well as a man. It’s time for you to do that, and let your child help by painting a stepstool or a toy with a brush dipped in water. You want him to be invested in his new room, invested enough to ask to sleep there. And make a deal with your husband: He can go to your son’s room at 5 or 6 every morning and take him to cuddle in bed or on the couch. Some parents just need more time to hug their kids than others, and that’s good, as long as they still let the child put himself to sleep. That’s one of the most important skills a child can learn.
Read a complete transcript of this Q&A at
www.washingtonpost.com/advice.
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