E10
KLMNO By Patrick Berry • Edited by Peter Gordon •
www.fireballcrosswords.com The Post Puzzler No. 20
SUNDAY, AUGUST 22, 2010
NICK GALIFIANAKIS FOR THE WASHINGTON POST
Granddaughter’s clothing could reveal much, or little
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I are concerned about
our 15-year-old granddaughter. She is not the slightest bit interested in makeup or the stylish clothes most teens like. She prefers basketball shorts and a T-shirt over her bra, then one or two more logo T-shirts or a football jersey over that. We are also concerned that she acts more like a 10-year-old, watching “SpongeBob,” playing with Legos at the Lego store, wanting to eat from the Teletubbies plate I have for a 2-year-old! The parents seem oblivious. Her mom has made comments that she can’t get her to pick out cute clothes, but still, they are the ones who buy her the boy clothes. They even bought her men’s moccasins recently. Our 6-year-old grandson commented that she had on shoes like
his dad. What do you make of this? Concerned grandparents
A15-year-old! Watching
“SpongeBob”! I’d contact the authorities, but they’re all watching “Family Guy.” The most benign interpretation of your facts says your granddaughter has boyish tastes — and you need a stern lesson in not judging people. The most alarming (or maybe alarmist?) interpretation is that your granddaughter is resisting maturity, her sexual maturity in particular, possibly in response to trauma — and that you need a stern lesson in recognizing pain instead of tripping over the football jersey chosen to conceal it. If it’s the latter, that’s a matter for professional guidance. But both extremes (and everything in
between) have the same implications for you: This girl needs grandparents who love, accept and embrace her for who she is vs. worry she’s some kind of freak. She doesn’t wear pink. Get over it, please, and position yourself to be her advocate no matter what her T-shirts say. Whether she’s a healthy kid with upstream tastes or she’s an unhappy kid screaming for help is something she’ll eventually reveal to the people she trusts. Your responses to her choices will
CAROLYN HAX
go a long way toward determining whether you’re part of that group or not.
Dear Carolyn: I live in Oregon, and have a friend in
Colorado. Over the past year I’ve heard he is heavily into drugs. “John” hasn’t ever been on anything when we were together, or at least not that I could discern. I sent John a card to say that if what I’m hearing is true, I hope he can get any and every kind of help. I wrote other sincere concerns as well, but prefaced each with “If it’s true.”
John sent me a string of outraged e-mails, and is mostly upset with me for even bringing this to his attention. It looks like, for now at least, I am one friend less. Should I have said nothing?
J.
To express such grave concern, a card was the modern-day equivalent of a 10-foot pole. A call would have made more sense: “I’ve heard rumors. If they’re not true, then you should know they’re out there, and if they are true, then I want to offer my help.” He might still have freaked out, especially if he’s using — but that would be about him, not you. Call him now, and apologize for the fumble. Then, call periodically, just because. You don’t want to force the issue, but do make it clear that you care.
Write to Tell Me About It, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or
tellme@washpost.com.
at
www.washingtonpost.com/discussions. ASK AMY
Husband’s fight-picking is a red-herring tactic
Dear Amy: I am generally happy and outgoing,
get along with others and have many friends. Lately, my husband will counter just about everything I say. If I say the grass is green, he’ll say no, it’s yellow. If I try to justify my original statement, he tells me not to argue with him. I have pointed out that he is the one who brought up an argument. What is going on with him? Today he
did that at least six times in a short period of time. It is getting to the point that I just don’t talk to him to try to avoid confrontation. Help!
Worried
Your husband is picking fights with you because he wants you to withdraw from him. In my experience, someone will do this when he’s trying to make you into the bad guy to cover his tracks for something he has done and can’t talk about. Starting these brush fires creates a
smoke screen for him to hide behind. If he can get you to walk off in a huff, then he doesn’t have to deal with the real issue. You’ll have to ask him to be honest with you. He might be under a new kind of pressure at work, or he might have financial or family worries he doesn’t dare broach. He might be attracted to someone else and not know how to deal with it. When you two are in a quiet,
peaceful moment, tell him you’re worried about him; tell him you don’t like being a scapegoat; tell him you want your old husband back. Say, “What’s going on with you, honey?” He’ll probably say “nothing,” but you shouldn’t believe it.
A counselor could help your husband find a more useful way to express himself. If you can’t get to the bottom of what’s going on with him, you should suggest counseling.
Dear Amy: I have another response to the letter
from “Fed Up,” whose boyfriend was mean when he had a few drinks. My father was a mean drunk. He was
perfectly charming when sober, and perfectly cutting, demeaning and verbally abusive when drunk. I could never understand how a person could change so completely with a few drinks, but he always did.
My mom successfully got him into counseling for a while when I was a child. The only thing that cured him, though, was abstinence. Arrested at the age of 72 for DUI, he had to participate in Alcoholics Anonymous to get back his license. He stopped drinking altogether. I enjoyed his company for the rest of his life. I only regret it took him that long to make the choice.
JK
I hope others will see your letter and learn from your family’s experience.
Dear Amy: “Fed Up” wrote to you about her
boyfriend, who is a “mean drunk.” We were close friends with a couple just like Fed Up and her boyfriend for more than 10 years. We suffered through years of mean
“jokes” that got meaner and more frequent (with alcohol and without). We, and many other friends, finally had to withdraw completely from this couple’s life with much pain and sorrow. The behavior will get worse and Fed
Up will be out in the cold if she stays with this man.
Learned Our Lesson I have heard from many readers who
have suffered in the presence of a mean drunk.
Write to Amy Dickinson at askamy@tribune. com or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.
© 2010 by the Chicago Tribune Distributed by Tribune Media Services
CUL DE SAC Richard Thompson
ONLINE DISCUSSION Carolyn Hax’s weekly Web chat is at noon Fridays
Aries (March 21-April 19) Your fantasy life and your reality will collide in a way that you will find quite satisfying — after you stop laughing, that is. The event will inspire you to dream even bigger in the future.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) If you can relieve someone’s suffering, you will rack up the good karma points. If that someone happens to be you, it still counts. Do what it takes to achieve a measure of peace — it’s better for the whole world.
Gemini (May 21-June 21) You don’t need very much to be happy.
You’ll be faced with the challenge of making many small decisions, which you might find both tedious and mind-boggling. Keep it simple. Simplicity is the essence of happiness.
Cancer (June 22-July 22) You’ll encounter wonderful diversity. Some people are uncomfortable with people, things and ideas that come from foreign worlds. But not you — you see each surprise and variation as a wonderful gift.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) You’re not a particularly vengeful person, but there are certain injustices
TODAY’S HOROSCOPE Holiday Mathis
that you feel you absolutely must put right. And you will get your comeuppance in time. Until then, try not to obsess.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Consider whether a technological
advance is the right one for you at this time. “New,” “faster” and “more” are not always better. Stay away from so-called conveniences that actually complicate your life.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23) Align yourself with those who are
extraordinarily talented. Caution: They may have huge egos and will probably be more difficult to deal with than your average Joe. What you learn will be well worth the inconvenience.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21) Something you want will require a
great deal of upkeep, time and energy. Remind yourself that happiness does not depend on what you have — especially when what you have actually has you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Letting go of attachments is supposed to bring you joy and energy. So why does the very idea of it bring up feelings of loss and regret? Everything is a process. Be gentle and patient with yours.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Steer clear of excessive television,
advertisements, temptations and surprise visitors. Avoid anything that clouds the issue at hand or distracts your mind from the focus you had planned for this day.
TODAY’S BIRTHDAY | AUG. 22: You already know that you are a socially desirable person. While interacting gracefully with your public, you’ll focus on developing a tighter relationship with yourself. New interests, hobbies, passions and relationships will spring up. October features declarations of love. An investment pays in January. March brings travel. Cancer and Pisces people adore you. ©2010, Creators Syndicate
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) There are many ways to heed the inner nudge to connect to life on a spiritual level. You could pray, which is like speaking to the universe. Or you could meditate, which is listening to the universe.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) You will consider an expense to
protect your assets, perhaps insurance or an alarm system. Whatever offers you peace of mind will be worth the cost.
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