T
he blessing of a child is one of the most signifi- cant events that an individual can experience. It can cause pause and ponder regarding life, what changes need to be made, and how an individual is
to adapt where they are into where they will be. I had been granted this miracle eight years ago when
we gave birth to Sajan, also known as Sage. He was never meant to be here. We were told that it simply was not a possibility for us. And then eight years into our marriage he graced us. I adored Sage, but at the same time was living a very unconscious life. I was a good person, fulfilled obliga- tions, and treated everyone as lovingly as I knew how, but was deadening inside. I was a nurturing, caring mother. However, I forgot to include myself in the love equation. I was a work-a-holic. Work equated to my sense of self- worth. I had learned as a very young child that the harder I worked, the more love and attention I would get. I skipped meals. I did not take time to exercise. I did
not sleep. I did not understand the concept of fun because work was my fun. My interaction with people had always been at the retail level so outside of that environment I was shy and had challenges opening up to people so I kept them at a distance. These were all very unconscious impulses. The more time passed, the more dead I became. I was
a productive hollow machine. My son would ask me to play with him and I just did not know how…never learned how…never experienced it. I would try to play and my insides would become so anxious, as if I was betraying myself by not working. A great ache grew within me to be able to feel human again…to break this incessant cycle of self-abuse and neglect. Miraculously, a few years later, we discovered we were
expecting again…only to lose the child. I was devastated. And of course my comfort was my friend, ‘work’. Somehow we conceived again two years later. I prayed that this child be allowed to come. Everything was moving along smooth- ly and I decided to try to take better care of myself ‘for the sake of the baby’…never realizing I needed to take care of myself for the sake of ‘me’. We committed to a large fundraising fashion show at
work for a local charity. It commanded many long days and being on my feet for 12 – 14 hours per day for a cou- ple of weeks. The night before the fashion show was the final dress rehearsal and all was going to go very well. I felt exhausted but knew I just needed to get through one more day…and then I would take care of me. Just as I was closing down the store, I felt a wave of weakness overcome me and collapsed. I made my way to
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the restroom, knowing what was happening and feeling incredibly heartbroken. After composing myself, I drove home and knew I was losing the baby. I had to go into the hospital the next day and was released a few hours later after the doctors did what was necessary. I numbly returned back to Lexington. I was the MC
and guide for that night’s fundraiser fashion show and it was easier not to feel than to face how I had once again betrayed myself, my body, my family and now this baby. Although I was in no condition physically, emotionally or mentally to perform this task, there was no one else that could… ‘The show must go on.’ I returned to work, put my game face on, MC’d the fundraiser for the next several hours and wept inside at the irony. The fashion show was in support of an organization named ‘SisterCare’. The Universe has a funny sense of humor. The mes-
sages were blatantly in front of me. Here I was helping to provide support for women that experienced battery and abuse and I stood before them the abuser and the abused. I was the ‘Sister’ in ‘need of care’ in that moment but I smiled and went on with the show, no one knowing all that had transpired in the prior twenty-four hours. The Universe gives us opportunities to get it right even
when we have blundered. The grand scheme of co-creation allows us to know exactly where we are in consciousness through the experiences we encounter. I realize now that part of the lesson in those miscarriages was to realize that I was not at a place to receive a gift, a miracle, if I were not willing to give of myself a gift and a miracle…to in a sense ‘be’ the gift and the miracle. These were some of my steps on the journey back to self-love…the journey toward living more consciously. My son Sage has always been the one to tell me when I
was expecting. He knew of the two pregnancies well before we or the doctors knew. After he would tell me, I would check and sure enough, the test would be positive. Sage came to me in September and told me we were
going to have a baby. He told me that the baby loved the ocean and had been sending me dolphins. In the prior several months, dolphins had been showing up everywhere. He also told me the baby was coming specifically for me. Our children show up because they contract to be our
healing. They can come for one or more of the parents but usually more so for one over the other. I knew this little one was here to help me heal and grow. I knew the baby would physically arrive this time. I also knew this child to be the same essence that had come twice before. He wanted to be born at a time where ‘I’ could truly be present and receiving of all of the love he had to share.
11:11—MARCH/APRIL 2010 39
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