H
ealthy living is as much about the attitudes we hold about life as much as it is about how we live them. Beliefs include the
way we view ourselves and life: it’s our perspec- tive. Attitudes matter a great deal, since what we expect to happen in our lives is what really hap- pens. The subtle part of this is that unconscious beliefs and expectations are just as powerful as
conscious ones. So, if the unconscious aspects of our personality areconstantly being expressed in our world, how can we get in touch with them?
The key is being sensitive to signals from our environment. Our body is a very important sounding board for how we’re doing, because it reflects the truth of our attitudes towards life, not what we think those attitudes are. The human capacity for denial and delusion is simply limitless - we often lie to ourselves about how we feel, what we believe, and how much we respect ourselves (or not). In general, this isn’t necessarily a bad or dangerous thing- who wants to stay con- stantly annoyed at minor personal imperfections?
Yet when we deny how important, say, a recently-ended relationship is, and attempt to suppress the grief and anger at the loss, that denial lands in the body as an emotional train wreck. Half of self is pretend- ing things are okay, and half of self is doubled over in pain. Eventually the emotional overload generates a physical breakdown, in addition to the emotional meltdown already occurring. Then it begins to spill over into all other relationships, even the ones we know are okay.
Another important source of information is what goes on in a 10 foot circle around us. We’ve heard people say that they couldn’t understand why everyone in their office was tense or angry- but them. On further (honest) investigation, they often realized they were carrying around a pretty intense emotional charge and had been attempting to deny it. In these cases, they were unsuccessful at also denying the projection of those emotions that came bouncing back from those in their immedi- ate environment. This is called mirroring or reflection. The principle is that “it’s only you and God in the room.”
This isn’t about blaming anyone- self or others. Rather, it is learning how to be conscious of what’s really in the air. We carefully pick the people we spend time with, and we carefully train them how to treat us. The horrifying part is realizing this is true across the board in all our relationships- from the worst and most difficult to the best and most satisfying. The difficult ones are reflecting the parts we try most ardently to suppress, deny, or ignore.
What we’ve observed is that people often believe that if they admit to those uncomfortable reflections as some aspect of themselves, they’ll be forever trapped or stuck in the behavior. Perhaps more importantly, the fear is being branded as that kind of person, both in their own
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mind and the minds of others. The opposite is actually true- denial is what prevents healing and keeps us stuck in the rut of bad behavior. Acknowledgment- acceptance- is the way to change that behavior. Acceptance is also the precursor to forgiveness, which is what absolves us from the guilt. Then we can live our lives innocent and free to be loving in every situation.
This is a huge point in personal healing: no other person can free us from our guilt. We see considerable effort expended by people, attempting to show others how good they really are and how deserv- ing of love and respect we all really are, no matter what! But that’s like trying to convince someone else of our value when we don’t really believe it ourselves. On that basis, the result is guaranteed to be frus- trating, because we don’t really believe it ourselves. On top of that, it’s incredibly tempting to sit in righteous indignation at how others con- tinue to mistreat or ignore us, in spite of our best efforts. They can’t respect or acknowledge us, though, until we can do it for ourselves. Conscious living means understanding these dynamics of relationships, and others, so that we can address these challenges where they actu- ally occur- inside of self.
Life is constantly giving us feedback about how we’re doing, not nec- essarily in relation to a universal right-wrong/bad-good, but how it’s working for us on an individual basis. For instance, we’ve noticed that love tends to work the best- mutual respect, kindness, compassion, as well as clear personal boundaries (learning how to say no). But strong intention works, too, whether it’s based on a positive motive or not. This is where things get tricky. Sometimes a person’s strength to suc- ceed is also their undoing. It can be argued that a strong intention is a form of love- absolute faith in a goal or a vision comes from a strong belief in something, whether that’s the pure love of God or, say, the terror of being controlled by others.
The truth is in the results. Do people feel mistreated? Is there damage to relationships or other parts of people’s lives? Does the goal or vision support others and help them heal or achieve success, or does it take advantage of them? Conscious living is also knowing that there are enough physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental resources available so that everyone can have all they need for a fulfilling existence. That perspective requires a strong, positive, and guilt-free sense of identity, the foundation for conscious living.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Ken & Renee Kizer are veteran specialists in the fields of Breathwork, Relationships, and Spiritual Life Coaching. They have collectively done group and individual client work since 1986 along the East coast. Having written numerous articles and essays on personal growth, they lead Rebirther trainings in Richmond, Virginia at their location, The Center for Awareness.
www.centerforawareness.com
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