5 MINUTES


with DR. LAURA SCHLESSINGER


A New Year’s Resolution: Explore the Beauty You Bring to Others


C


an’t believe it is january already. Here we go with the notions about New Year’s


resolutions: Should we make them? How can we stick with them? It’s all boring and largely useless. Here’s an entirely new idea. How


about making a list of the courageous, generous, kind, thoughtful, touching, and loving things you did, and also recognize what other people did. I am sick and tired of the notion


of waking up every January 1 with someone imagining we all have to take an inventory of our shortcomings. Frankly, it’s OK to have shortcomings, it is entirely human. I never really got how folks were supposed to be motivated by negativity and refl ecting on their failures. It seems more reasonable to me for everyone to explore what beauty they have brought to others and the world through thoughts and deeds. This is even more obvious with marriages. If you have ever been to couples or marriage therapy you know it starts with everyone’s complaints — then the hurt, embarrassment, and defensiveness. I never understood how that was going to motivate either spouse to be or do better. It must feel more like a kid dragged into the principal’s offi ce for punishment. How about starting counseling


or each discussion with all the good things that can possibly be brought up? Instead of: “You never spend time with me/kids/washing fl oors, etc.” as a way of motivating a husband, try: “Honey, I love watching you with


the kids. It reminds me of how utterly wonderful you are.” Or: “Honey, I’m a bit backed up. Would you take care of the fl oor today for me? Besides,


Sweetie, I got you this lipstick because it reminds me of the color you wore when we fi rst met. I just love that memory.”


I like to watch your back muscles fl ex while you swing that mop,” or: “Honey, I miss you close to me. Want to take a quiet, or maybe not so quiet, shower with me later?” Can you possibly imagine stirring up hurt, embarrassment, or defensiveness with this seductive approach? And for you men: “Sweetie, I got


you this lipstick because it reminds me of the color you wore when we fi rst met. I just love that memory.” Can you imagine a wife complaining about how strenuous her day was so she has no time to fuss with her makeup? No, I don’t think so. “You are the light of my life and


I love you deeply. I miss having quiet, silly, and sexy time with you. I appreciate how much you do for the kids and the house, but I would like to have the time with you as we used to so that you could laugh and have the good times.” I think you get the idea. Sell


whatever you want in the form of a gift to the other. Make doing what you’d like to have them do a win for them. Treat any request as a treasure they cannot deny themselves. Oh, are you thinking this is manipulation? Well, you are right — it is. However, manipulation designed to benefi t another is certainly not selfi sh even though you can rejoice in the shared experience. Loving, thoughtful, kind, and caring manipulations are the stuff of love. Sometimes with all that piles up


in life we all can lose sight of joy and become mired in the routine and responsibilities. And it can be frustrating when you can’t control everything and everyone (spouses and kids) so that your perception of going smoothly is realized. It takes a wise and thoughtful spouse, family member, or friend to twist it all about so that you can again feel the joy of life.


JANUARY 2019 | NEWSMAX MAXLIFE 71


NIKODASH/GETTY IMAGES


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