Refl ections of joining from boy to man to therapist: Infl uenced by a Joiner


John Cavanagh On the morning that I approached the editors of Context to write this article, I received the very sad and surprising news that


my grandfather had passed away. In this article, I wished to convey my thinking and stance about his passing and how my relationship with him and my family


has infl uenced my personal and professional self. T rough refl ection, I considered the application of systemic ideas in relation to how I ‘join with’ the position of supervisor and tutor. I aim to do this by looking through the lens of gender, sexuality and the coordinated management of meaning (Pearce & Cronen, 1980).


Growing up, my grandfather was an


important ‘presence of a man’. As I have grown into adulthood, the impact he has had in my life grows increasingly evident and all the more pertinent to the man I have become. I would have described him as a quiet man. Large in stature and once in the military, his presence would offer a contradictory softness, a softness that we would always recognise as warmth. While visiting my grandparents twice a week, he would ‘potter’ in the garden or in the kitchen, happily busying himself whilst my sister and I talked to my grandmother. His position within the family home consisted of him going out to work and acting as the traditional breadwinner but, not unusual to me as a child, he also carried out non-traditional roles for that time. He did all the cooking, cleaning, gardening and never wavered in caring for their only child, my mother. This never appeared unusual to my sibling or me, as my grandmother simply sat in a chair, occasionally ringing a bell for a cup of tea! As I grew from boy to man, my


grandfather’s contrasting approach in carrying out the traditional patriarchal role began to interest me in ways in which I never recognised. As for all of us, our relationship with all the ‘social graces’ (Burnham et al., 2008) changes over time. Personally for me, learning about my relationship with gender and sexuality has particularly changed. They have undoubtedly been influenced by personal and professional changes, including becoming a husband, the changes in my family life cycle


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(McGoldrick et al., 2013) and the families and couples I have worked with alongside an evolving position to that of tutor and supervisor. In relation to my grandfather, why did


he conform to non-traditional roles of that time? The story from my mother is that my grandfather threatened to leave my grandmother a few times if “she didn’t help him around the house” or “make dinner after he had been working all day”. My grandmother, Rhoda, never did relent to these requests and my grandfather never carried out his threats to leave. By the time they had grandchildren, any frictions that once existed had all but disappeared and they were living in what appeared to be domesticated bliss. I now wonder how they had navigated themselves to that point. My grandfather was very religious, so was his commitment foregrounded, led by the importance of marriage vows in front of God? Was it his duty to carry out the traditional male role as that of the provider? Or was it simply his love and affection for his wife? Today, my grandmother would have likely been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It is perhaps because of this they both became quite insular and, as my mother reports, slowly but surely they began rarely to leave the house and eventually stopped seeing friends all together. The story about him threatening to


leave was the only occasion that gave me a sense of how he must have felt about his position in the family. Generally he appeared content, if not happy. There were many occasions when my


Astor Joiner RIP (02.10.1919 – 18.06.2019)


grandfather would finally sit down after cleaning and making a round of tea, only for my grandmother to say, “Actually, Astor, I will have a cup of tea after all”. Without a quibble, Astor would do just that and his Rhoda would soon enough be sat there with her cup of tea, made just the way she liked it. Their relationship is interesting


compared with societal norms at the times as captured in: “Tips to look after your husband”, an extract from a 1950s home economics book. Within the book, it states a wife should “Have the dinner ready as a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs”. Further advice advocates a woman should “Prepare yourself, touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking, be a little gay and a little more interesting as his boring day may need a lift”. Simply


Context 169, June 2020


Refl ections of joining from boy to man to therapist: Infl uenced by a Joiner


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