OFFHIRE


Recruitment is a tricky business at the best of times, although Roy sees red when a consultant submits candidates from three different corners of the British Isles, and none anywhere near his depot.


PLONKERGATE!


Wasn’t it Mark Twain who once famously said “I never let my education get in the way of my learning”?


One day my children will disown me for being a hateful tyrant who forces them to do their homework and subjects them to a diluted ‘Sir Alex Fergusson Hairdryer’ when they don’t keep up with their education. I keep drumming into them key words like Focus, Preparation, Planning and Research. From my perspective, these are key to the modicum of success we have achieved – well, the Bailiff hasn’t arrived at the door whilst I’ve been in charge, so we can’t have done that badly so far!


However, Imagine my …. Well, the only word to use is DISGUST, at the seeming lack of any of these key necessities which failed to ooze from three recent e-mails from a recruitment consultant.


They contacted me on consecutive days with three candidates, all of whom I would be judged to be clinically insane were I to not employ them immediately. This is all well and good, as Clinical Insanity is seemingly a pre- requisite to work in this industry, but a cursory investigation into the three candidates immediately put paid to my idea of employing someone (or even all three) who could transform my back-street Mom & Pop outfit to stratospheric heights, which would result in my being able to retire to the Cayman Islands within six months.


As I have alluded previously in my offerings to you; we are based in a single depot location the gorgeous countryside of Yorkshire where we speak our mind and don’t suffer fools. However, in the case of these e-mails they have been presented to us by the King of Fools, who had just graduated with a First Class Honours degree in Imbecility!


He had offered us one candidate from INVERNESS! One from CARDIFF and the last one from MAIDSTONE!


I must have missed something, because I think I was absent when our Depot Manager had arbitrarily decided that we were going on a mass expansion of the business across the whole of Great Britain all at the same time. Or had I? Upon questioning said employee, he burst out laughing and responded with a most apt response of “What a bloody Plonker”


Indeed, “Plonker” is extremely apt. It is clear for all to see that the individual in question had done little homework, no planning and positively zero research in sending these candidates out for our consideration. In fact their lack of focus in this respect is staggering to the point of ineptitude. I would surely be welcoming in the Bailiffs if I had taken any of them on, as the commute to work for each would have surely bankrupted us. So this chap and his email is consigned to the blocked sender list


I concur with my daughter wholeheartedly that values of certain aspects of education are questionable; as in my 40-years since leaving school I have never once used trigonometry nor algebra, but I have always accepted that a little homework and a modicum of research have helped to get me by and avoid being considered for the title of “Plonker”


Happy Hiring (of equipment and employees).


32 Executive Hire News - May 2021


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