Flourishing Families Balancing Our Emotions with Truth


by David McVety


Have you ever heard someone say: “Te devil wants you to pay attention to your feelings; Jesus wants you to pay attention to the truth”? Or maybe you’ve noticed that our culture can focus so much on making sure everyone feels good, that it limits our ability to speak truth, causing some to wonder if emotions are something to be dismissed or belittled.


As a counselor, I hear comments like “I got that instability


from my mom,” or “I’m working on controlling how I feel.” In fact, some people seem to be so disconnected from their emotions that they can’t identify what they are feeling in a given moment, which is immensely hard on their relationships because they can’t connect effectively in intimate relationships like marriage or even parenting.


Perhaps this is a major factor in why our culture is straying


so far from God’s truth! We’re trying so hard to shut down a part of us that God has given, but that part eventually rises up and takes over if we don’t give it the acknowledgment it needs.


You see, we aren’t supposed to control our emotions, but


instead we are to feel them. Yes, we may need to filter our actions, and sometimes if we respond to our emotions the wrong way, then our actions can become sinful, but usually those actions are sourced in our inability to process the emotion in the first place.


As adults, we aren’t the only ones who need to learn to


accept our emotions; our children need to learn this, too. Even better that they learn it now before it becomes a problem later as adults or teens when they are trying to process their compassion for others simultaneous with their understanding of God’s will.


My favorite illustration about processing and accepting


emotions is found in the wave pool; emotions are like the big surges of water, or “swells” that come at you in a wave pool. When you first see them, you might be afraid or nervous, either because of the size or unknown nature of what’s coming. When I first stepped into a wave pool, I could see the swell/wave coming, and I would get nervous and try to stand my ground, keeping my feet firmly planted. Te result was not good. Slammed by the wall of water and gasping for breath, I would have barely enough time to prepare for the next rush of water.


I needed to stop trying to fight the swell. I needed to take a


breath and let my feet leave the ground, allowing my body to rise with the water and eventually come down the other side. Tere


may be moments of discomfort, wondering how long the wave will last, or how long we might have to tread water, but in the end, we find safety and security in riding it out. Choosing to feel our emotions is quite similar. Our emotions are part of our whole being, and they tell us something. Have you ever noticed that the Apostle Paul commands us to “Be angry” (Eph. 4:26)? It’s our response to anger that is warned against, but so oſten we have vilified anger itself as evil.


Both we and our children need to learn to feel our emotions.


We need to acknowledge them, face them and ride them out. As we do this, we can learn to understand what is motivating the emotion that we are feeling. Anger, for example, tells us that we need something: possibly justice for ourselves or others. Anger is a catalyst for change. To respond to that need, we must acknowl- edge the emotion and its source. We then make a decision about how we respond to the emotion aſter the wave of initial emo- tion has passed, when we are “grounded” with our feet on solid ground again.


Tis is a hard lesson to learn for ourselves and also for our


children. Allowing our children to feel things like helplessness, desperation, grief, sadness, fear, and anger are uncomfortable for us, so oſten we swoop in to distract them or save them from the waves that they need to learn to process and ride out. It’s our job to show our children what it means to see emotions as a giſt from God instead of a curse to be worked through, and to show them how to let their emotions inform them without controlling them.


So, looking back to the first paragraph, a more accurate state-


ment would be something like, “Jesus wants us to pay attention to both our emotions and the truth, allowing the truth to inform and guide our actions.”


May you have courage as you ride the waves that come your


way, and teach your children to do the same. It’s important to be that emotional safe place for your children so you aren’t triggered yourself. (You don’t want to get sucked into the undertow of their wave!) If processing your own emotions is new for you, bear the discomfort with God at your side, and if you need help, counsel- ing is always a good option.


Sincerely, David McVety, Counselor and Shepherd www.abbotsfordthrivetc.ca


Fellowship Focus, September/October 2019


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