Flourishing Families


A Better Strategy for "The Talk" with our Kids


by David McVety


Over the years I’ve asked rooms full of parents and students whether or not they have ever gotten “the talk” from their parents (Yes, I’m talking about the sex talk). Time and again, only 10–20 percent have spoken with their parents about sex.


I was recently convicted that this “one time only” concept


for discussions about sex is flawed. Tere is an incredible need to have regular and continued conversations about difficult things with our children.


I’ve seen the contrast of this myself. I took my oldest son


(now 13) out for a “Passport to Purity” weekend, and it was a great time of connection and sharing, but follow-up conversations have been awkward and difficult at times. My youngest son (now eight years old), on the other hand, has been present for many of our seminars where we discuss talking to our kids about sex, and already he responds much differently. Questions come from him regularly and unreservedly, and answers are accepted without em- barrassment or shame. Te “natural” nature of sex and sexuality is exactly that, natural with him.


How can we be intentional about creating a culture of open


conversation, rather than anxiety ridden, one time or even annual moments where sex is the topic at hand?


First, let’s not make our conversations solely about sex. I’d


like to suggest a multi-dimensional approach instead, where conversations can intertwine and overlap between various topics and areas of life.


Four Dimensions of Personal Development we can turn into conversations with our children could include:


• Faith/Jesus (and our growth and relationship with God, and who he has created us to be)


• Family/Friends (and relationships)


• Work/School (giſts and abilities including passions God has placed in us)


• Sin/Temptation (our weaknesses are part of us and deserve acknowledgment and open discussion, with tangible expressions of unconditional love)


We need to be engaging in all of these areas with our chil-


dren regularly — or any one of them could become awkward and difficult later on. As you can see, sex could be a topic that relates to at least three of the above areas.


How and when do we make space for these intentional


conversations with our kids? Here are some ideas that we try to implement and would like to offer as starting points for you to consider:


• Table talk: Intentional conversation at the dinner table as a family is oſten lost in our culture. Do something small like setting out a jar with Popsicle sticks in it. Each one writes a topic on a stick that he or she might want to talk about. One (or more) can be pulled out at dinner to start a discussion.


• Bed time: Tis a time for conversations. Our kids don’t like going to bed, and will do whatever they can to keep from going to sleep. Plan on putting them to bed early enough that the bedside conversations don’t go too late but can still happen. You’d be amazed at what your kids will bring up when they are laying in bed and have your undivided attention.


• Dates: We rotate dating our kids. Essentially this means that my wife and I take one of our kids out to spend one-on-one time with them. One kid with one parent every week. We need to be intentional to consid- er what topics to bring up on those dates, but the time is valuable and worth the investment.


• Regular “retreats”: Tese are things like weekends away with one child at a time. Tey may not happen oſten, but even once a year will leave a lifelong impres- sion. Utilize your church’s men’s and women’s retreats to bring your kids along, or find a local camp that does father/son or mother/daughter events. Tese are attain- able options, and the time you spend with your children today can’t be replaced later.


My challenge to you is simply this — be intentional with


your children, both in the time you spend with them as well in as the topics you discuss with them. Tey are your most precious giſt and greatest responsibility. Share and listen from your heart, and your children will naturally offer grace when things get awkward, and those moments will even be ones you both laugh about later. Don’t leave any topic as a “one time only” event. Our kids’ minds and hearts need regular engagement with all areas of life.


May your attempts and efforts be led by God’s Spirit and empowered with his courage!


Sincerely, David McVety,


Counselor, pastor, father, grandfather and husband who stum- bles through finding community and offers every story for God’s sanctifying use.


https://www.abbotsfordthrivetc.ca/


Fellowshipwship Focus, J ly/August 2019 Fellowship Focus Ju y/A cus, Jully/August 20192019


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