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LIVE 24-SEVEN


THE DAILY EXPRESS LIKENED HIM TO 'A RARE EXOTIC BIRD'


the catering problems that creates – what other topics are cov- ered during your Image Conscious tour? I cover many topics in my show, not just orgy catering issues, although I will just say now, don’t go too complicated with the spread, you’ll have your hands full already without having to worry about soufflés collapsing. I also discuss various other issues close to my heart, such as snooker and the Royal Family and bread. There is also a short section centred round the life and times of a rescued marmoset, but be warned, there’s more to that than meets the eye baybayyyy.


How do you collate your material? I've interviewed other great comedians, some of which carry little black books so they can store musings and things that strike a chord with them! I have a litany of scraps and scrolls I take around with me, with various comedy ideas scrawled all over them. When I wrote my show from a few years ago, Paul Foot’s Hovercraft Symphony in Gammon Sharp Major, I wrote it all on a giant A1 piece of paper, which I rolled up into a scroll and carried around with me. That maybe wasn’t the best system in hindsight, as there was an airport security scare when it got trapped in the X-ray machine at Dublin airport. That is why I now have the scraps system.


Greetings your majesty – Paul! You're amidst a tour that you have named 'Image Conscious' ...what's in the name? Well, I wouldn’t like to give too much away, I always like to be mysterious about my show titles, but I can reveal that the first inspiration for this title came along because one of my Connoisseurs from Melbourne, Australia got a tattoo of my face on his buttock. It was very flattering, but also I felt a lot of pity for the gentleman in question. What happens when he has a sex session? Does he have to inform the lady/gentleman in advance? Also, I feel, as he ages, I might have a Dorian Gray situation. Maybe I shall stay youthful forever as my visage slowly sags on his ageing botty.


[laughing] You've been described as a 'rare, exotic bird' by one newspaper and six other nationals described you as a comedy genius, how would you define your humour? I have never understood what they meant when they said I’m a 'rare, exotic bird'. Rare, exotic birds vary. I mean, am I a Madagascar Serpent Eagle or a Hooded Grebe? Or am I just a really big dove? A dove so big that it could barely get off the ground, but very kind, spreading peace and joy all around the world with its big, flightless body? I have no idea what these newspapers are talking about.


In addition to pondering how to organise a suburban orgy – and / 14


How are your Connoisseurs reacting to your take on Brexit? We all need a little light relief on the subject, don't we? My take on Brexit? Why are you presuming I have a take on it? Is it because I am a comedian and comedians discuss Brexit like fishes suck up water? I do not mention Brexit in my show at all as it happens. That told me! [laughing]


Do you ever get nervous before you go on stage? Get stage fright? Do you become Sasha Fierce aka Beyoncé-style before you take to the stage – an alternate character? I used to suffer from stage nerves terribly, but I don’t get them anymore. I haven’t had them for 10 years, since I was on a big television show in America called Last Comic Standing. I remember there was a lot of pressure, because it was live in a big theatre in Las Vegas, and it was broadcast on television to 15 million people. You had to go out and deliver your material and if they didn’t like it you would be voted off. Anyway, I totally frigged up the start of my joke, got the words totally wrong, but I realised and adjusted the joke and it all went well anyway and no one even noticed. So I thought: I’ve just totally frigged up in front of 15 million people and it was all great anyway. I haven’t had stage nerves since then.


That's brilliant! Hecklers! Ever had to deal with one and what was the outcome? Oh many, many times. I had an interesting one recently in Leeds, where a woman had been talking and looking miserable throughout


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