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Regarding Relationship By Marina Maurino, MA


Using Our Pain to Grow We measure relationships by the amount of love and joy they


bring us.What about the ones that bring pain and sadness? Do we value those?What do we do with a painful relationship?We could be talking about a one-month relationship or a thirty-year marriage but whether it’s amonth or decades, pain is pain. How we deal with that pain will depend on our own individual degrees of support, self-esteem, financial means, tolerance, patience, self-awareness and so on. These all influence how we get through the pain and what choices we make. What if, as a way to deal with the pain, we “consciously”


linger in it? Not to wallow in it but to stay in it long enough to be able to use it as a path to a deeper understanding of ourselves? To do that we really have to focus on ourselves, our feelings, our his- torical reasons for our reactions and what we bring to the relation- ship that doesn’t work. In other words, is there something to be learned from this relationship even if it isn’t going the way we hoped? (Obviously, though extraordinarily difficult, if there is abuse we have to leave.)What if we use the situation to learn a bet- ter way to communicate our feelings and explore what gets us trig- gered? And what if you really listen to what your partner is telling you about you? He or she may have a perspective worth consider- ing. It may be totally off or there may be some truth in it worth looking at. In deepening our self-awareness, might we bring something


new to the relationship and in turn rekindle it? Or, if it is meant to end, can we leave with a greater understanding of ourselves so we don’t bring the same issues to the next relationship? Of one thing we can be sure: whatever is unresolved in one relationship will fol- low us to the next. It won’t necessarily look the same. The person, the circum-


stances and even the troublesome issue will appear different but underneath, it will be a repeat of what didn’t work in the other rela- tionship(s).We can’t divorce ourselves…butwe can heal ourselves. What if the idea of using pain to grow appeals to you but not


to your partner? Then, you do the best you can alone or with some professional guidance.Your self-discovery and growth is an adven- ture into yourself. Life is rich. That doesn’t mean it’s always good or fun. It simply means that our difficulties and pain can be seen as opportunities to challenge ourselves to grow into more loving human beings. Difficulties don’t have to bury us and growth has many forms. Learning to tend to a sick family member has us grow our compassion and patience. The pain of losing a loved onemakes us a bit more understanding of the pain of others. The richness of life isn’t always measured in externals. It is often measured by the


invisible expansion of our heart.When we experience life as mere- ly cause and effect, we reduce it to a bland meaningless existence but when we realize the richness to be found in pain, things start to shift and heal. “She or he did this, so I’m out.” This black and white per-


spective doesn’t allow for the different hues of gray. And the gray is important, very important.When a couple considers the issues in their life together, each one has a different perspective based on their individual history, temperament, life experience and upbring- ing. Each one is “right” in his or her mind but the truth of their experience as a couple lies between the two of them in the gray zone, that place where the black and the white come together, where the two individual histories can move out of pain and find common ground and resolution. We get to the grays through the genuine communication of


feelings versus themore customary exchanges of reactions, blames, judgments and criticisms. For that authentic sharing of feelings to happen we need to be willing to know what we are feeling and to share our feelings authentically and vulnerably. Often we create pain in relationships because we are not


accustomed to knowing, sharing and effectively communicating what we are feeling. Telling someone that we feel that s/he doesn’t listen or doesn’t respect us, for example, is a lot different than let- ting them know, “I feel sad and alone in this relationship.” Those are the real feelings and about us. There is nothing for the other to refute or defend. Why would you do this in a relationship that is dying?You do


it for yourself! What matters is the growth and empowerment we gain when


we can access what is truly true for us and share it authentically. It expands us and that either helps the relationship revive or gives us the needed understanding tomove on. For those who can’tmove on for whatever reason, the authentic speaking of our truth pulls us out of the powerlessness of victim giving us a freedom that often leads to unexpected help from the Universe. Even joyful relationships will be painful at times. So, if you’re


in a painful space, use it! Don’t waste the opportunity to dive into yourself and discover another treasure inside!


Marina Maurino, MA, is a teacher/therapist who integrates


psychology, spiritual principles and an energy based perspective in her work with clients. She welcomes anyone ready to work on per- sonal or relationship issues. She can be reached at 201-967-9377 or visited at www.reflectingtruth.com.


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