ER 18
RegardingMen Men Not Being Heard
Over the 18 years of writing
this column, I have addressed so many facets of our development as men that may impede us from having strong, spiritual, emotion- al and physical lives. I don’t know what more I can write about to encourage us men to take care of ourselves in every way so that we can be present, strong and avail- able to other men and the women and children in our lives. Most men truly want to “deliver”. We trymost of the time but we are not always successful at “hearing” well what is going on for the important people in our lives. Much has been said in these
articles on how we have to be there forwomen in particular. I’ve written about presencing, holding the space, not being defensive and keeping quiet as much as possible to hear the other. Remember LISTEN and SILENT have the same letters. Yet, I have to also acknowl-
edge what we men may need.We would like to be heard too. However, we cannot be heard if we are not clear, direct and truth- ful about what we are feeling. If we fall into communication based on criticism, blame or judgment we cannot and will not be heard. Knowing what we are actually feeling is no small task for usmen who by and large have not been encouraged to feel and express. Most of us have learned too well to stuff it, soldier on, put duct tape on our “injuries” and go back into the game. So, it is our responsibil- ity to express what is going on for us and what we need. “Needing” is not a bad word but most men don’t know what they need.What happens then is we men get frus- trated, even angry, and start esca-
lating with our words or actions but this is not a clear formof com- munication. Neither we nor our listeners really know what’s going on for us and things go south.We get even more disconnected and resentful especially with the women in our lives. I’ve learned that what may
happen with us men is that we are so busy working, providing and taking care of others that we may ignore knowing or stating what we need.Wemay give the impres- sion that we don’t need anything including being heard. In fact, though, we do want somebody, particularly our partners, to ask, “What’s going on for you?” It’s a powerful question and could soft- en even the hardest male. Some signs that you as a man
are not feeling heard or acknowl- edged are if you say things such as, “No one has my back”, “I can’t do all this alone”, “Nobody knows or cares what’s going on for me” but you can’t stop here. It’s incumbent upon us to express what’s true for us. A major issue with not being
clear about what we need and not expressing that, is that then we may go get what we think we need in unhealthy, not to say dam- aging, situations. Consciously or not, we may go for flirtations, outright affairs, addictions all with the unspoken thought “I deserve something. I deserve to be happy.” Just because some- thing may feel good does not mean that it is right or a solution for anything. These choices are not excuses for our frustrations or voids. Being clear with our part- ners about what we are experienc- ing and being heard, if we express properly, are the antidotes to bad
ByJosephMaurino
choices. It’s not only ok but essential
for us to tell our partners, “Something is going on for me.” “I’m frustrated and not feeling good about myself.” Or any other expression that keeps it on our- selves and doesn’t blame. In order to have healthy relationships, everyone has to give and receive emotional support and suste- nance. We all need to be heard deeply not only with ears but with the heart. This is also why most men,
after they show up, actually love counseling/therapy. My job is to help men be clear on what they are feeling and needing and then to express that clearly to signifi- cant others. Once they bring their truths back to the partner, more connection occurs. It is also the role of the partner to hear what he is expressing. Being heard and acknowledged are powerful and often all we need. The being heard itself is the healing for so many of us who carry the wound from childhood of not being seen or heard for who we were or are. We couldn’t do anything to cham- pion ourselves when we were children but finally we can do that reverently, healthily and firmly now that we can express better than ever and then truly get what we need.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Joseph is a Licensed Clinical
Social Worker who practices in Paramus, NJ. He specializes in sup- porting males of all ages to deal with issues particular to men. Joseph also does couple to couple counseling with his wife, Marina. He can be reached at 201- 261-9129
Inner Realm ~ 2018 ~
www.innerrealm.net
Page 1 |
Page 2 |
Page 3 |
Page 4 |
Page 5 |
Page 6 |
Page 7 |
Page 8 |
Page 9 |
Page 10 |
Page 11 |
Page 12 |
Page 13 |
Page 14 |
Page 15 |
Page 16 |
Page 17 |
Page 18 |
Page 19 |
Page 20 |
Page 21 |
Page 22 |
Page 23 |
Page 24 |
Page 25 |
Page 26 |
Page 27 |
Page 28 |
Page 29 |
Page 30 |
Page 31 |
Page 32 |
Page 33 |
Page 34 |
Page 35 |
Page 36 |
Page 37 |
Page 38 |
Page 39 |
Page 40 |
Page 41 |
Page 42 |
Page 43 |
Page 44 |
Page 45 |
Page 46 |
Page 47 |
Page 48
