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Regarding Relationship By Marina Maurino, MA


Reactions in Relationships Reactions occurwhen someone or something triggers us.


What makes a reaction different from a response is that it has an emotional component. Generally speaking, a reaction hap- pens when the trigger unconsciously reminds us of some- thing unresolved from our childhood. It could be anything at all that triggers us, even just the tone of voice. Reactions in relationships are usually leftovers from our


childhood history. The way my partner speaks, behaves or otherwise affects me negatively can almost always be traced back to my family of origin and what still remains unhealed. Nature has a way of having us be attracted to someone


who carries some energy of our primary caretakers. At the beginning, we feel this energy in the other person and it appeals to us because it is familiar. For example, if you had a very controlling parent, you may be attracted to someone who “takes care” of you. Later, this same energy will feel like control and we will react to it because it is unresolved in us. Through our reactions we are often resisting the person (the substitute for mom or dad) instead of or as much as the issue at hand.As children we were powerless to do anything about it. Now we can, but until we realize that we will re/act. That is, we will act over and over again trying to change that per- son’s behavior. Clearly, it doesn’t work. Instead, we have an opportunity through this new person to heal something that is not resolved in us. With this in mind, it is important to find out what is


going on underneath the reaction. The question is, “What am I really feeling?” “How old do I feel when I react this way?” Yes, I am angry about this or that but there is no resolution to those issues because they are not the real issue. The real issue lies somewhere deep in the feelings that the issue is eliciting. If, in our relationships, we stay stuck on the issues, we will never progress. When we make the connection between our reactions


and our history we begin to free ourselves. We begin to understand that as a child we were powerless and sometimes felt hopeless against the force of an adult who, for whatever his or her reasons, was not really seeing or understanding us. Whatever we suppressed as children is still in us be it fear, anger, powerlessness, hopelessness, shame, disappointment, sadness etc. These feelings show up whenever someone or something triggers us the way we were triggered as children.


Maybe we get criticized or feel controlled or put down. We may still feel like that little child and we re/act (act again) unconsciously thinking that this time I will be heard, I will be seen, I will be understood but it doesn’t happen. It doesn’t happen because we are in the story of who did what.We need to leave the story and go to the feelings. They will lead us to the truth of what we are experiencing. This is not easy. It takes willingness and conscious


effort. Not only are we looking at ourselves and our reactions and our feelings but our partner also needs to do the same. Any relationship is a dance between my unhealed child and my partner’s unhealed child.When we know and accept this premise it makes life so much easier.We can help each other heal and heal our relationship all at the same time. We need to catch the reactions and it doesn’tmatter if we


catch them after they happen. It’s normal for that to happen at first because we are new at this. However, once we catch them, we can help each othermove past them. This is amutu- al challenge. This is not about who is right and who is wrong. It’s about using the relationship to grow together. It is about enriching and enhancing your love. Once the reactions are acknowledged ask yourself and


each other, “What are you really feeling”, “What is really going on for you?” and the answer cannot be about the issue at hand nor can it be about the other person. When those questions are answered you can ask yourself “How old do I feel right now?” That often leads to remembering old hurts but more importantly, it lets you see clearly that whatever is happening is not about the issue you are arguing about. It is a reaction to an old stimulus that is being reignited. We need to see what’s happening, acknowledge our


reaction and fully realize that we are no longer that child, no longer powerless, no longer helpless. Our time has come to fully express our feelings to a loving partner and healthily get our needs met. Both of us are now adults and can speak up for ourselves. It is our right and our responsibility to do so.


Marina Maurino, MA, is a teacher/therapist who integrates


psychology, spiritual principles and an energy based perspective in her work with clients. She welcomes anyone ready to work on per- sonal or relationship issues. She can be reached at 201-967-9377 or visited at www.reflectingtruth.com.


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