ER 18
RegardingMen It would be safe to assume that
have established that sexuality is our “chi”, a life force, an energy that speaks to who we are as individuals. Sexuality is about “isness”, it’s not about what we do with our bodies. Sex is more about activity and behavior. For all of us, sex and sex- uality can be a great source of health, pleasure and connection or we can feel deprived, confused, dis- satisfied, shame, or even asexual, that is, without any sexual feelings. There is always more to learn about who we are sexually and how we can express with our minds and our bodies. Our questions, belief systems
and misconceptions about what is “normal” are the biggest barriers to our thoughts about sex and our strong inhibitions about the before, during and after of sexual activity. If we have a concept, usuallymisguid- ed, about how “it’s supposed to be” we’re setting ourselves up, and our partners aswell, for disappointment, resentment, judgments, disconnec- tion and worst of all, shame. After all, if “I know how it’s supposed to be” (rock hard erections, never los- ing an erection, controlling what the penis does or doesn’t do, bringing her to orgasm at will, making her think I’m the best lover in the world) and it seldom happens that way, then we feel completely down on ourselves. We judge ourselves harshly and then bring anxiety to the next encounter. At worst, we avoid or reject sexual connection. Excuses range from the children, fatigue, disconnection, anger, work to do and if we’re creative we invent oth- ers. Do these inhibitions exist? Yes, but there are realities and how we use them, mostly for avoidance. If it’s not comfortable, fun and con- nected why get into sex?
most people, even the very evolved, question what is “normal”. Anxiety about being and hoping we are sex- ually normal creates emotional iso- lation and disconnection, the oppo- site of what we hope for in sex. Furthermore, emotional isolation leads to the inhibition of sexual desire and pleasure. How can we relax and be vulnerable and intimate with another if we’re focusing, con- sciously or not, on our function or on our partner’s function or response.What a setup for failure if we have intercourse when we’re not ready or willing. What a setup for failure too if we don’t ask or express physically the things we’d like to do or say for fear of judgment. If our preferences, fantasies or inhibitions can expose us as unacceptable to ourselves or to the other, then being “normal” overrides going for plea- sure or connection with the other. Marty Klein in his excellent
book, Sexual Intelligence:WhatWe ReallyWant From Sex and How To Get It”, consistently debunks the concept of “normal”. He defines Sexual Intelligence as Information plus Emotional Skills plus Body Awareness. Sexual Intelligence is “what allows you to adapt sex to yourself, instead of you adapting to sex”. Sexual Intelligence is letting go of “normal” or the way it, I, or she should be. “Sexual Intelligence, which we all need to develop, is the perspective that to get more out of sex, we need to change our beliefs and assumptions. It’s about the abil- ity to enjoy sex when the situation or the persons involved, starting with ourselves, are not perfect, whatever we think perfect is. It’s about creating and unconditionally accepting our own sexuality and sexual style and sharing it with
ByJosephMaurino
Men’s Sex and Sexuality: The Question of Normal, Part IV In the three previous articles, I
another.” Every self-help book, including the four I have examined closely, and every “sexpert” say that a man’s or woman’s desire to be sexually “normal” keeps us from expressing our authentic selves. This leads to performance anxiety and sexual dissatisfaction. One of the biggest barriers to
our acceptance of ourselves is what we hear, read and see about sex which is based on statistics and lies. Then we make up our own lies on what’s “normal” for us and for oth- ers. Statistics and lies are about numbers: how often, how long does it take, how big should it be, how to do this or that. Sex is about feelings and experience, not about numbers. If we try to fix the wrong thing, especially if it’s not broken, nothing is accomplished. Normal is worry- ing about being sexually “normal”. Normal is also not talking about being sexually “normal”. In other words, there is no “normal”. We have to believe that we can
just be ourselves sexually and non- sexually. Unfortunately, we’ve had a lifetime of judgments, criticisms, and people not hearing what is true for us. If we judge ourselves or compare to other people, we’re destroying our own individuality. Let’s let go of imagined or erro- neous standards, not try to be like other people and just concentrate on being who we ARE.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Joseph is a Licensed Clinical
Social Worker who practices in Paramus, NJ. He specializes in sup- porting males of all ages to deal with issues particular to men. Joseph also does couple to couple counseling with his wife, Marina. He can be reached at 201- 261-9129
Inner Realm ~ 2018 ~
www.innerrealm.net
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