way home after the meal). Common variations on this theme: the disrespectful teenagers who make fun of family tradi- tions and mock their elders; and the fam- ily klutz who invariably breaks something important to the host or drops a dish full of food just before the meal.


Ingredients: From a Family Systems/Emo- tional Process perspective, parents who cluelessly allow their children to run wild are attracting attention to themselves in a “passive-aggressive” way (that is, while feigning innocence, they infuriate others by what they do not do—control their children). Such parents usually perceive themselves as being less important or less loved than other in their generation. Ob- noxious adolescents have a similar feeling of not belonging: they are too old to be coddled and adored and not old enough to be given the credence of an adult; thus the alternative for some is to get attention from their ornery behavior. Then there is the adult who is known for creating little disasters. If you host Thanksgiving and you have a klutz in your family, chances are that person will draw attention through disruption, while expecting you as the host to be graciously forgiving.


Serving the Dish: As the host/hostess of the Thanksgiving meal, you are essentially throwing a party for your family, and you have the prerogative to set the rules and tone for this party. With people who tend to behave in passive-aggressive ways, the greatest success will come from confront- ing their behavior as opposed to their


thinking or their feelings. The best time to confront these issues is the minute they arrive at your home. If you speak to them before, they may choose to not attend (which is not the end of the world, but also not your real intention). If you wait until they have disrupted the feast to confront them, they may just attribute it to you be- ing angry and discount your words or start an argument. Thus, with parents of disrup- tive kids, when that family arrives, stop the parents at the door and explain as unemo- tionally as possible that they are going to make sure the children do not run through the house, do not scream and do not dis- rupt. Keep your instructions simple and finish by saying, “I know you can do this.” With adolescents, physical touch is a


wonderful tool (how many teenagers re- ceive accepting touch from grownups?). Again, a simple set of guidelines is essen- tial and complete: “I really respect you and I like you. Today, for this meal, I expect you to show respect to everyone here.” And if you have someone who wants to call attention to himself or herself by being a klutz or making inappropriate com- ments, perhaps the best advice comes from Dr. Eric Berne in his book Games People Play. When someone is prone to that sort of constant disruption, Berne advised that you say, “You can break anything in the house you want tonight, but you cannot apologize.”


“Last Year’s Leftovers” (also known as “Relish of Rivalry”)


The Occasion: One of the most common


sources of anxiety faced by anyone hosting the whole family for the Thanksgiving feast centers on the potential clash of person- alities. This concern often expresses itself through attention centered on where people sit during the meal (“Make sure that Uncle Robert doesn’t sit beside Cousin Matt. They’ll get in an argument over politics again!”). It’s astonishing that the same individuals can enter into the same or very similar verbal conflicts year after year. This phenomenon is so predictable that others in the clan anticipate these clashes and feel reluctant about participat- ing in the gathering. A slightly less noxious version of this occurs when family mem- bers begin to tease, mock, negatively compare or tell derisive stories about other family members: “I can’t believe you let your daughter get married so young, Peggy. I mean, if you didn’t teach her about contraception, how is she supposed to know about married life?”


Ingredients: The Family Systems insight here is that folks who chronically get into disputes with one another, as well as those who feel the need to make cutting remarks about others, are insecure about their own position in the family. Often they are ex- pressing jealousy of the person they are arguing with. Oddly, the critic usually sees something in the person he or she is criti- cizing that she or he lacks. Human beings seldom criticize those who are unimport- ant to them.


Serving the Dish: Conflict and discomfort- ing comments have a way of heightening


Kelly Carpenter, NP-C


www.RobinhoodIntegrativeHealth.com Kelly Carpenter, NP-C


Kelly Carpenter NP-C is a board certified Nurse Practitioner. She has 8 years experience in adult medi- cine. She has an enthusiasm for helping people live energized, long healthy lives. She helps patients to obtain healthy weights and maxi- mize energy levels by enhancing their body’s natural healing pro- cesses through optimized nutrition, supplements, and optimizing hor- mones. She is a great addition to RIH


336.768.3335 NOVEMBER 2017 9


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