the anxiety of everyone present. As the host or hostess, you can prepare for this eventuality first by making the decision that you will be playful and not anxious. Thus, if Robert and Matt start up their annual dispute, you can say loudly, but casually, “Are you guys going to argue again this year like you did last year? Shall we all stop eating until one of you wins?” When it comes to catty remarks or the sharing of too personal observations and stories, remaining playful and casually confronting this behavior with humorous remarks tends to shut it off for the day: “Oh my, I don’t dare leave this room. No telling what you all will say about me!”
“Gossip Goulash” (often called “Anticipation Appetizers”)
The Occasion: Inevitably, comments—mostly critical—about the Thanksgiving meal circulate among family members both before and after the actual event. As preparations are made, family members express their opinions about previous gatherings. Once the meal is over, the host can be sure the family gossip line will be abuzz with chatter about the most recent event. Hearing the critical comments about previous Thanksgivings and anticipating what might be said about her or his attempts at hosting the feast tend to intensify one’s anxiety.
Ingredients: The most realistic view, from an Emotional Process perspective, is that gossip is going to happen. Malicious gossip, as all of us who survived adolescence can attest, can be tremen- dously painful. If you can put that reality aside for a moment,
you may recognize as well that gossip is ever-present; whether we like it or not, it’s not going away. Gossip can be seen as a sort of thermometer that reveals the “emotional temperature” of the family (or any other group of people). Also important is the rec- ognition that gossip is a “two lane” form of communication; in the same way you receive information and opinion through gos- sip, you can also use it to pass your comments and thoughts along to others.
Serving the Dish: In preparation for hosting the great Thanksgiv- ing feast, you can use the family gossip line to set the tone for the coming celebration, often by telling just one talkative family member what your expectations and goals are. After the celebra- tion, use the gossip line to get candid input about the feast (“I know you had a good time, Mabel, but what did Doris really think?”) and to express praise for those family members who—this year—didn’t let their kids run wild or dredge up last year’s un- finished arguments.
Bon appetit!
Dr. Mike Simpson, a “third generation” Family Systems practitio- ner, is the founder of Fix Your Family and a Family Wellness Coach who has used Family Systems to work with individuals and groups for the past 25 years. The author of the book Fix Your Family, he can be contacted through his website (
fixyourfamily.org), email (
1fixyourfamily@gmail.com) or phone (336 257-9276). See ad on page 12.
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