needs and you need to know how to listen to your partner’s needs. This is easier with a shared vocabulary
and just because you speak the same language doesn’t mean you use words the same way. My partner and I had coaching and found solace in a 'language of strengths'. Rather than looking at all the ways we were failing, we looked at where we were succeeding and spoke about how we could apply what was working to what wasn’t.
LANGUAGE OF STRENGTHS: A NEW COMMUNICATION APPROACH Society conditions us to concentrate on weakness and fix what’s broken. We look to find fault and in the process often stumble over criticism and blame. However, a positive psychology approach encourages us to focus on what’s right in each other. You may be familiar with the benefit
of expressing gratitude. There’s a plethora of research suggesting regular expressions of gratitude have a cathartic effect because they release positive emotions. In terms of relationships, this can be taken a step further by appreciating each other’s strengths. You can acknowledge what you do well. This doesn’t mean ignoring what’s not working. It simply means focusing on how to use strengths to improve the situation.
Part of the communication solution lies in recognising that your partner is not broken – and neither are you. For example, my partner loves to get
things started. An idea is formed and he leaps into action. I, on the other hand, like to see the big picture. I wait until I have an idea about what we’re going to do and then plan the best route. You can see the potential for disagreement. He starts, I wait. He feels like I’m holding him back, I feel like he’s leaving me behind. Until we really talked about what was going on and what we both needed, it was a quite a problem. Today things are different. Rather than
thinking that one of us must change, we realise we’re both right. I understand his sense of urgency and he understands my need for clarity. Together we look at a situation and work out how both needs can be met. This is what a strengths-based approach
to relationships provides. It’s a way of talking about natural patterns of thought, emotion, and behaviour without trying to defend your own position. The key is to appreciate that what is natural and comfortable for you may not be for your partner. When you focus on the outcome and accept your different ways of approaching a situation, you establish a platform for resourceful communication. Understanding your strengths also
gives clues about your motivations and drivers. You have words to describe
what energises you and what drains you. Importantly, you also recognise the fears that trigger a toxic behaviour. Rather than criticising, being defensive, showing contempt, or stonewalling, you notice the emotions and thoughts that prompt unhelpful behaviours. When you know what they are, you can address them from an objective perspective. Dr John Gottman’s research shows
relationships are better when couples know each other and respond positively to each other’s communication attempts. The more you focus on each other’s strengths, the more grateful you’ll feel for the gifts you bring each other. My partner and I learned each other’s
strengths and in the process learned more about each other. Now when we talk, we know where the words are coming from. We have a context and a framework that builds even greater appreciation and understanding. We have a strong relationship. n
Connect with other readers & comment on this article at
www.livingnow.com.au
Nicole Feledy is a Gallup accredited strengths coach and mindfulness teacher. She specializes in communication and stress management to
help couples, families and students develop more resourceful relationships.
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