LOVE
Avoiding the 'four horsemen' in relationships
Strong relationships are built on effective communication, but how do we achieve this? by Nicole Feledy
W
hen relationships fail it hurts. The pain reaches your core, clutching the heart
and squeezing the air from your lungs. I speak from experience, I've failed twice. Twice married, twice divorced, twice experienced the anguish of being with someone for ten years only to experience that sinking feeling – this just isn't working. As I write today I'm in long term relationship number three. From a positive perspective you could
say failure is simply an opportunity to get creative and learn. After all, to use a clichéd analogy, Edison failed 99 times before having his light bulb moment. But I really didn’t want to fail at another relationship – and my current partner and I came close. Precariously close.
FORGET MARS AND VENUS At times our communication was so off base it wasn’t like being from Mars and Venus, it was like we weren’t even in the same galaxy.
34 JULY | AUGUST 2017
He spoke, I listened. But the words coming out of his mouth made no sense. I had no context for them and they fell into an abyss. I asked questions for clarification, but somehow they came out sounding judgmental or critical. My questions were so far removed from the ideas he was trying to convey that he thought I wasn’t listening. I spoke, he listened. But the words
coming out of my mouth made no sense. He had no framework for them and they fell into a chasm. He asked questions for simplification but it seemed like he was badgering or asserting control. The questions were so disconnected from my feelings that I thought he wasn’t hearing me. These communication patterns create
rifts that are difficult to mend. Maybe you're familiar with the situation: you love your partner, you know you have a connection but your words are often misunderstood. You find yourself scrambling to be heard. Your needs are not being met and, when you're
being completely honest with yourself you know you’re not meeting your partner’s needs either. Emotional trust is stretched to its breaking point.
COMMUNICATION AND THE ‘FOUR HORSEMEN’ This isn’t an unusual situation. Effective communication is one of the most important aspects of a healthy relationship, yet so often things go wrong. Communication breaks down, and if it falls prey to any of the 'four horsemen' (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or stonewalling) there’s trouble. This metaphor, created by Dr John Gottman, highlights how ineffective communication signals doom in a relationship. Obviously, it’s important to address
communication issues before the horsemen ride into your home. However, knowing how to express yourself goes beyond ‘love languages’ and using ‘I’ statements. Effective communication requires trust, patience, and acceptance. You need to know how to speak your
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