Men in Pain
I would like to be clear from the onset of the article that I am in deep reverence, honor and respect for those of us who are or have been in pain. In my work and in my life, I am struck by the commonality of our experiences as men regardless of age, sexual preference, race, or ethnic and religious background. The base feelings, desires, needs and fears we have are normal parts of our daily lives. What makes us similar is infinitely greater than what makes us different.
Particularly in my work as a therapist, I see how men can be in psychic and emotional pain and often in spiritual and physical pain as well. I don’t take for granted even for a moment, the courage, willingness and commitment it takes for a man to make the phone call and take action to show up in my office. Many men are saying, “Something isn’t working for me in my life and in my relationships. What’s my part in this and what can I do to make freer choices?” What doesn’t work is that we’ve bought a bill of goods which absolutely does not serve us well or serve well the women and children in our lives. Robert Pasick in his book, Awakening From The Deep Sleep, refers to the “Central Mandates of Man- hood” which are beliefs that have had an unconscious and powerful impact on us men since childhood. See how many of the following stated by Pasick you’ve bought: 1.We must be self-reliant. 2.We should be competitive in all endeavors. 3.We should not reveal our fears. 4.We should be in control of ourselves at all times. 5.We need to be cautious about getting too close to anyone because intimacy weakens self-reliance and control. 6.We should focus on achieving power and success. 7.When we encounter a problem, we should be able to fix it through action. 8.We should keep score and always know where we stand relative to others. 9.We should remember that we are superior to females and not have to depend on them. 10.We should never allow ourselves to be weak or to act
like a girl.
I believe that it’s important for us to challenge these assumptions and to take responsibility for creating a truly balanced life in which the well being of our physical, emotional and spiritual states is all interconnected. Doing so can be the relief for men in pain.
It has been said that men come in two categories, walnuts or peaches. I have known men in both categories, professionally and personally, and I know that men in either group can feel wounded and in pain. Walnuts are the men who are hard on the outside and soft in
the middle. They seem rough and tough and they’re needing to access their heart centers. Walnuts want to be respected, thus they focus on competence and achievement. Their soft centers
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need and desire love and appreciation. Walnuts have difficulty showing their vulnerability, which is exactly what would inspire others to love them. Walnuts prefer thinking to feeling. Hard and tough on the outside has been a preferred model for men. Peaches are men who are soft on the outside and hard in the middle. Outwardly, they are easy going and seem to be even tempered and want to be liked but they’re needing to access their power centers. Peaches focus on relationships and compassion. Their hard centers need and desire respect. Peaches have to determine their seriousness and willingness to set boundaries. Peaches prefer feeling to thinking. Essentially, we men are in pain when we don’t feel rather than when we do feel our feelings. That’s the paradox. When we don’t know what our lives are about and when we know some- thing isn’t right despite external achievements, we become aware of the hurting. The pain we express may be quiet, seething and depressive or noisy, critical and angry. Either way, we feel the pain like a wounded animal because we can’t express or don’t know where it comes from. We may find unhealthy ways to assuage our pain: affairs, drugs, alcohol, overworking, over- spending or succumbing to chronic physical pain such as ulcers, backache or dis/ease such as cancer or heart attacks. All of the above are reset buttons for men in pain.
The responsibility we men have to ourselves and to those in our lives is to listen to ourselves and to open our hearts to feelings rather than using the “Ten Central Mandates of Man- hood” to hold tight and block. Pasick reminds us that getting in touch with emotions is the process for releasing pain. The task is to:
1. recognize when you are experiencing a feeling 2. identify the feeling (glad, mad, sad, scared, ashamed) 3. identify what has triggered the feeling 4. communicate your feelings to others 5. identify your needs based on your feelings. Men have told me that they fear going into feelings because if they do so, they will lose control. They fear that if they cry, they may, literally or figuratively, never stop the tears. The paradox is that holding on to the feelings is the very energy that causes us to lose control of our lives. The truth is that the crying will stop naturally and the pain will dissipate when everything we have held so tightly is given expression. Being a man in pain is not a fateful outcome or conclusion but rather a beginning, an opportunity for healing on every level.
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Worker who practices in Paramus, NJ. He specializes in supporting males of all ages to deal with issues particular to men. Joseph also does couple to couple counseling with his wife, Marina. He can be reached at 201- 261-9129
Joseph Maurino is a Licensed Clinical Social
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