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AQUARIUS JAN 20 - FEB 18 Are you making a mistake? Yes. Yes you are. Tat’s the great thing about being <young> / <old>: You get to <learn from> / <manage> your mistakes while they <don’t matter> / <still matter>. So <stubborn, young> / <clever, old> Aquarius, <enjoy> / <celebrate> your mistakes. Your <honesty> / <wisdom> will inspire, and no-one cares that you <fucked up> / <fucked up>. Keep making mistakes. Your lucky organ is kidneys.

PISCES FEB 19 - MAR 20 Many great pioneers confess, when they finally write their memoirs, that they had little or no idea of what they were really doing when they set out to achieve their goals. Does this remind you of anyone, oh adaptable Pisces? Now, before you pat yourself on the back too hard, many shit pioneers confess to being too lazy to ever achieve fuck all, and this also rings a bell, doesn't it? If you want to do something worth writing about, then remember. It's ten percent inspiration, and ninety percent perspiration. Your lucky vegetable is peas.

honesty, loyalty… why are these things not enough? Oh, caring Cancer, some of us do not need the threat of a fat guy with a massive sack coming down our chimney in order to care for others. Spread the love throughout the next year, not just when it’s seasonally applicable.Your lucky smell is petrol.

ARIESMAR 21 - APR 19 At this time of year, we start subconsciously remembering the movies we saw as children and the expectations of the holiday season that these formed in our minds. It’s not just you, Aries, I feel its presence too, like some kind of powerful force. Honestly, I’d cut my right hand off with some kind of ‘laser sword’ to feel that way again. Oh, independent Aries, don’t be so much of a sheep, and don’t get cocky, kid. Your lucky abstract concept is luck.

TAURUS APR 20 - MAY 20 We evaluate pros and consider cons. It’s what we do at this time of year, we reflect on the past 12 months. However, there is a difference between learning your life lessons, and wallowing in self-pity like a whiny little bitch. Oh, self-indulging Taurus, if you’re reflecting on an upsetting event, make a mental note to not let it happen again. But, if you are sitting there thinking about how everything has gone wrong and it’s not your fault, slap yourself. Your lucky Led Zeppelin album is III.

GEMINIMAY 21 - JUN 20 Events, this month, enable you to review an old idea and consider it from a fresh perspective. Which is great – in principle. However, if the old idea is something like, “I really should sort my shit out this year”, and the fresh perspective is simply “and I know I said that last year, but this time I DEFINITELY mean it”, then you, oh impulsive Gemini, are simply talking bollocks. As old Auntie Mann used to say, “Do, or do not. Tere is no try.” Your lucky meat is veal.

CANCER JUN 21 - JUL 22 Some people don't believe in Santa Claus. And that’s because he’s not real. Statements like this can cause quite a lot of upset, but why am I the bad guy for pointing out the truth? I mean, I believe in love,

10 / January 2016/

CAPRICORNDEC 22 - JAN 20 Sometimes, we have to shout in order to make ourselves properly heard. Tere was another famous Capricorn who had to shout in order to make himself heard, wasn’t there. Praise Him. Tat’s right: David Bowie. He had to shout once probably. But then, once his androgynous warbling and hugely underrated guitar playing had been witnessed, he pretty much fucking bossed it from there on in. Be more like Bowie.Your lucky cheese is Edam.

LEOJUL 23 - AUG 22 It is time for you to be less self-critical. I bet if you told someone else that I’d given you that advice, they’d laugh themselves silly, because you seem so confident. However, confidence is commonly used to mask the way that we see ourselves, and this is a common trait of the proud Leonean. Oh, vain Leo, there’s nothing wrong with a stiff upper lip, but worrying more about your image than your emotional wellbeing is for twats. Your lucky number is ‘Hey Big Spender’.

VIRGOAUG 23 - SEP 22 With the power of the mind, we can make amazing things happen. I’m not talking in a telekinesis, move-stuff-with-your mind way, or in a pyrokinesis set-fire-to stuff- with-your-mind’ way… although, either of those would actually be very cool. Tink of all the idiots out there. How awesome would it be if their trousers just spontaneously

exploded, or they ‘accidently’ glassed themselves… wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah, learn to kill people with your mind, oh sceptical Virgo.Your lucky vitamin is B.

LIBRASEP 23 - OCT 22 Perhaps, if we could only shed the weight of all our cares and concerns, we could become so light in spirit that the breeze of serendipity would sweep us off our feet and allow us to float on a pillow of wings towards some glorious stress-free future. Well, if a frog had wings it wouldn’t bump its arse so much, so suck it up, buttercup.Your lucky fabric is wool.

SCORPIO OCT 23 - NOV 21 What's wrong with a little happiness? Well, nothing, obviously. Oh suspicious Scorpio, so why do you insist on ruining it every time? Is it because you think you don’t deserve it? Believe that you are worth happiness and it will come to you. I mean… you’ve got to put some work in, but the idea is that when happiness presents itself to you, you feel like you deserve it. Yeah? Cool. You do.Your lucky cloud is cumulonimbus.

SAGITTARIUSNOV 22 - DEC 21 Don't push your luck. For far too long now you’ve been unemotional towards those around you, mainly because of your ridiculous need to be fiercely independent. Well stop right now. Oh, Sagittarius, there’s a word for people like you. Well, there is now – unempendent. Tat’s you. Stop it. Your lucky bird is chaffinch.


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