what hurt the most, being raped, pain from the knot on my head and bruises on my arm, the soreness, burning and stinging from the rape itself or internally from my emotions being turned upside down. Most of the time, the abuse whether verbal or physical was done in front of our kids. By the time I was 23, we


called a name for expressing myself. You see, he made me feel like no one would listen to me and if I had anything to say to anyone, no one would pay attention to me. I hardly spoke to anyone, which is why I began to write. My pad was my ears and my pen was my voice. Believe me when I tell


had our third daughter. At that moment in my life, my spirit was broken and my self- esteem was beyond low. I did not feel worthy, beautiful, or special. I felt like those names I was being called of fat bitch and no one would want me, especially with having children and that I was stupid. Completely isolated from


my family and not really hav- ing any friends, I didn’t know anything about shelters or 800 helpline numbers and going to the police was totally out of the question. If I did that, I knew it would be worse and my family would ultimately be torn apart. I didn’t realize that he had already torn our family apart with his alcohol- ism, abuse, and infidelity. I was lost and turned to writing. I started out with poetry of how I was feeling on each day and shortly after, I started journaling. That was my ther- apy and outlet. I was finally able to express myself through words. They were my words. I found a way that I could say whatever I wanted to say, express how I was be- ing treated and how I was made to feel. He couldn’t take that away from me. I was able to speak, I found my voice. Finally, I was able to speak and not be hit for it or be


you…God is using me. As years were going by, life was getting worse. I just wanted to live, but couldn’t. I dealt with many bouts of infidelity along with the continuous ver- bal and physical abuse that left me bruised up, knotted inside, and just beat down. I would have thoughts of get- ting into a car accident with my kids so we all could die together and not have to worry anymore about how we were living. I didn’t realize how selfish that was to my kids because all I could imag- ine was that no one could take better care of them but me. They were my air, so I


wanted them with me indefi- nitely. Then I finally surren- dered all. Now I have always been a spiritual woman, and I was so broken that I could do nothing but call on God’s name. I didn’t know how to pray, but I knew what I needed and what I wanted. I wrote down my requests and knelt down inside of my closet once everyone in the house was asleep just to talk to God and ask Him to please help me. I would talk to God like I’m talking to you. I would ask God to please tell me what to do.


started developing a support system, friends that were al- ready there, but in whom I was too afraid to confide in. I started realizing how God was answering my prayers, but He was answering my needs first opposed to my wants. He knew I needed a support sys- tem. He put me in the right place at the right time and placed friends in my life that stuck by me and my girls throughout it all and twenty years later, they are still here for us. I thank God for them because 15 years into our marriage, my husband walked out on us and they were there. On our middle daughter’s


11th birthday, he came home after a week long absence and took off his wedding band, placed it in the Bible and told me that he didn’t love me anymore and that he was leaving. I remembered think- ing to myself what am I going to do now? How am I going to take care of my girls? What is going to happen to us? I was empty. Right after saying happy birthday, he literally walked out the door and out of our lives. As bad as it was, without my support system, I would not have known how to handle that situation. See God knows what He is


prayer closet, I began noticing peace, little by little internally. My inner strength grew and I


12 Each night, after leaving my


doing. He knew that my hus- band was going to walk out of our lives. He was actually re- moving him and God will move people out of your life that mean you no good. Al- though that felt like the worse day of my life, it was actually the best thing that could have happened to me. The bless- ings God had waiting on me, began to come to me. See God is using me. The


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