I don’t believe it! The not so serious side of the industry
©BBC Headline News!
IT’S good to see that the art of headline writing remains as strong as ever, although you would have to query the editor’s sense of humour! A report on a baseball match in the States between Cleveland Indians and the Texas Rangers, in which the Indians Bartelo Colon was the star, came up with the headline “Rangers get whiff of Colon”. Sky Sports lowered the tone even further when David Seaman joined Man City on a free transfer with “Keegan fills Schmeichel’s gap with Seaman”. And, according to Nike, “Tiger Woods plays with own balls”.
Now for the dance of
the H&S inspectors ... The opening ceremony at this year’s Beijing Olympics put the organisers of the 2012 event into a flat spin. Lavish, brilliantly choreographed and incredibly expensive, it set a benchmark that will be hard to match. So, enter The Times with this take on the 2012 opening cermony:
“China set the tone for this year’s Olympics with its breathtaking opening ceremony and, in the process, created a problem for the London 2012 team. Barely had the final firework
spluttered before British officials were studying their wallets gloomily and playing down expectations.
Outside of the sports industry, the news editors have had a field day (excuse the pun) with some absolute stonkers. Some, I’m sure, were complete accidents! Like Fox News who stated “Crack found in Man’s Buttocks” or the BBC who suggested that “Great Tits cope well with warming”.
Under the title of ‘only in America’ would you find a 19 month old boy winning a rifle in a fundraising event but, my absolute favourite has to be “One-armed man applauds the kindness of strangers”
So, as Dame Jade Goody and Sir Jonathan Ross guide viewers through the 2012 ceremony, what will be unfolding in front of them?
How can we show the
Greenkeeping according to Liam ...
traditions and authentic face of modern Britain?
China can keep its Kung Fu performers. We will surprise the world with an imaginative display of dancing health and safety inspectors, their yellow reflective jackets glittering in the spotlights.
reveal an Islamic dance troupe, fully veiled, who will take us through the highlights of our history, apologising after each incident to any nations we may have inadvertently offended. The proceedings will end with a lavish ceremonial display of binge drinking. And, if the caretaker comes in halway through to lock up - because orders is orders - then all the better”
And, according to Boris Johnson, the Mayor of London, “Whiff-whaff is coming home!” God help us!
Signing off!
Here is a transcript of a sign seen at Scottsdale Golf Club in Arizona.
All, very sound advice! PLEASE REMEMBER
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip. 3. Keep your head down.
Liam (no relation to Bernard or Kirstie) Gallagher has tried golf a few times. “Bit of exercise, spliff, whack, f*** out of balls, beer afterwards, it’s good.” Apparently, if he hadn’t made it as a rock star he’d have fancied a job “cutting grass on a golf course. Nice and chilled. Outdoors, not inside, walls and all that.” What a loss to the industry!
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4. Avoid a quick back swing. 5. Stay out of the water. 6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please ... while others are preparing.
10. Don’t take extra strokes.
Well done. Now, flush the urinal, go outside and tee off.
The stage will then clear to
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